I have always been a “good kid”. Growing up, I followed all the rules, was nice to everyone around me and did my best to keep the peace. Obedience and compliance came easily to me. I did my best to make everyone happy, even if that came at my own expense.
Over the years this talent of mine adapted to fit whatever situation I was in. I’d let friends walk all over me, avoid personal conflict at all costs and spend countless hours trying to solve problems for others. I never really saw it as a bad thing. I mean, how could keeping others happy be detrimental for anyone? That’s where I was wrong.
I gave myself false expectations. I set the bar of my personal performance very high. I was also under the impression that everyone else expected these things of me. Incomplete homework meant that that I had disappointed my teachers. A missed workout meant that I was failing my self-imposed fitness goals. I began to stretch myself far too thin trying to reach every possible version of “the best me” to present to the world.
These thoughts often come back to haunt me in times of serious stress. I give myself far too much to do in far too little time. This leaves me feeling worse than when I started. But now that I know the problem, I continually myself of this truth:
I have a Heavenly Father far greater than any of my successes or struggles. He has made me just the way He wants me and any attempt to be something else is pointless. The only expectations and opinions that matter are those which belong to Him. The judgments of myself and those around me towards who I am are meaningless compared to His. He delights in me and only asks me to be who He has intended me to be from the very beginning. And that is His precious, loving daughter.
It’s far too easy to get caught up in what seems important now. But compared to the eternity of perfection we will one day experience, it’s not worth all the worry. After spending my life searching for ways to please those around me, I have decided to stop trying. It’s a lost cause. Besides, I’ve already won the favor of the only One who matters.
I know that this will be a life-long struggle. It’s deep within me; this desire to receive the approval of others. But I can no longer diminish myself. Who am I to believe I have the power to control situations in the first place? That power belongs to God and I am merely a vessel which He chooses to use. Bringing joy to others shouldn’t be a burden.
It has taken me a long time to realize this. There have been many stressful nights, moments of self- depreciation, seasons of hurt and a lot of disappointments. Now, I am learning to meet the needs I see around me through God’s grace and gifts, rather than through my own designs.
Going forward, I am beyond excited to learn how God will use me through the World Race experience. I am letting go of my irrational expectations for myself. I’m letting go of meaningless standards. I’m turning to God alone for my worth. He alone knows what adventures await, but now I know that they will be achievable, through His good grace.
