Every morning we got up around 6:30 and at 7 began our work outs. I knew training camp, as well as The World Race, had a physically aspect to it. I dreaded it. Honestly this was one of the things that held me back from applying. I haven’t been in shape since…..umm never. I have been a “big girl, heavy, thick” whatever you want to call it since I was little. I mean I can worship, preach, speak life and pray with them best of them but running? Hiking? Yea count me out. I have dieted, counted calories, went through my seasons of working out and am still stuck in the same place. I have often said you can look at someone and not outright know their battle but people with weight issues wear their struggle on the outside.
God revealed to me during training camp that I have tried to fix the outside but neglected the condition of the inside. That there is some healing that has to take place in my heart and spirit before it can resonate with the outward. I didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to go back and re live the hurts of my past that has lead me to where I am physically now. I don’t want to mourn my mom’s death again and rehash abusive intimate relationships. I’m over it. I have done my share of grieving and sinning and am forgiven and okay.
So here I was, the last morning of workout. Another morning filled with anxiety, not knowing what we will do now. We have jogged, hiked with our 30lbs packs, moved camp site numerous times, what next? I wishfully thought maybe we would just have a light stretch. This work out was a combination of things: Run up the steep hill, do 20 burpees, run down the hill, do pushups, run to the tarp. With previous work outs if I fell behind it was no biggie because everyone was ahead of me. It wasn’t stressed to stick with the group and make sure everyone is on the same page.
This was a team building workout; if one person reached the top of the hill then the others would come down and encourage the ones who were still coming up. If that person was still doing burpees then they would finish it up with them. One teammate was beside me the whole way, often times looping her arm in mine giving me not only mental support but physically support.
But with every exercise I felt more and more weak and exposed. I felt as if it were all eyes on me, like I was holding the team back. I had never felt more vulnerable. I was fighting back tears. I kept hearing God say “Let it go”, “How long are you going to carry it?” In the middle of doing what I think was a front ward crab crawl I stopped to catch my breath and tried my best to push back the built up sobs. There were a couple teammates around me clapping and encouraging me, when one of them came beside me on the ground and said “You are so strong.” I lost it; I collapsed and just lost it. I buried my face in my shirt and historically cried. It got so quiet, the only thing you could hear was my sobs. My teammates, all forty-seven of them were around me now. Some quietly prayed. Others rubbed my back. One teammate came up to me, forcing me to reveal my face saying “Look at me, you are not weak” As if she read my mind. Another reminded me of the vision God revealed to me about being perfect and worthy. One shouted “We are all here, look around; your team is here for you.” Another shared how he saw God blowing away all the spiritual weight that was on my shoulders, that he saw me giving God all my burdens.”
When the crying subsided and I was brought to my feet I was greeted with hugs, testimonies, prayers and even more love and encouragement. At that moment I had never felt lighter. I was relieved and refreshed, uncovered and accepted. I got off my chest what felt like years’ worth of weight struggles. It was like it all came to ahead, and lead up to this moment in the woods of Tennessee. For the first time I felt as if I had truly casted my burdens onto Him. I began the internal healing process.
