11 countries, 11 months and coincidently April 25th was the 11th anniversary of my moms passing. It’s been so long with out her. The wound isn’t fresh and God has brought so much healing from it I figured this year wouldn’t be an issue.
I was wrong.
The relationship my mother and I had was unique. She took it upon herself to take care of me. Naturally her role was to be my aunt but instead chose to be my mother and adopted me.
If I can be honest, drugs and various other addictions are a big issue in my family. Thankfully, I was still blessed with a mother and father figure. (my aunt and uncle)
During my childhood I was well taken care of, actually I was out right spoiled! I have fond memories of pool parties, family vacations and me and my moms regular slumber parties which involved us staying up late watching nick at night.
But growing up it was also hard. My mom was sick my whole childhood and along with that comes the memories of countless doctors visits, hospital stays and in home nurses.
When I was 5 my mom was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. From the beginning my family was open and honest with me about my mom and her condition but as a kid I still didn’t fully comprehend it. As I got older I didn’t want to deal with it let alone knew how to process all of it.
I acted out, was angry, ungrateful and often times flat out rude.
When my mom passed away when I was 14 I became worse and sought out comfort in friends, guys and parties.
Thankfully when I turned 20 I encountered Christ and found the true comforter and began to live for him.
Over the years the Lord has given me peace and deeper revelations about my childhood. He released me of anger towards not having a mother any more and from anger of the illness she had. But there was still more he wanted to work out.
As the anniversary of my moms death drew closer I become more numb and disconnected. I didn’t want to think about it or talk about it yet knew the Lord was trying to tell me to go deeper.
At the beginning of the month we had our squad debrief. One of my squad mates came up to me and asked how I was doing, fighting back tears I said fine. But of course she knew better. I told her that my moms anniversary just pasted and that I have been really upset.
She asked what I did to remember her, to celebrate her.
I tried so hard to rush through the day and avoid it, I ended up doing nothing. It occurred to me that I always do that. Back home I would work a double and pretend it was just another day.
Obviously this year being on the race, where everything is brought to the surface, there was no way I could shield my feelings. I sat down and prayed it out…
I often would say I wish I was there for my mom more. Why didn’t I spend those Friday and Saturday nights with her instead of going out with my friends. I was so selfish. Why couldn’t I had been older and taken her out on mother daughter dates like my other sisters did? Why was I such a pain in the butt. I should have been a better daughter.
As I sat there in the middle of Europe crying on my bunk bed The Lord spoke to me and said
“Forgive your self. Stop beating your self up about this. You have been believing lies all these years. The person you were back then is not the person you are today. Your not selfish, your not a bad daughter, your not a horrible person. I have forgiven every single sin you have ever done and will do. I have forgiven you, now you forgive yourself.”
I sat and soaked in His truth and have begun to exchange my thoughts about myself for his. Forgiveness is a hard process, but the Lord is speaking the truth over me every monument of the day. This time I’m listening.
Before we left debrief me and my two other squad mates who also lost there mom had a “Mothers Day”. We wrote them letters and tied it to balloon and let it go in the city.
For the first time I celebrated her, for the women God made her to be and for the amazing mother that He blessed me with.
