So I decided that I want to be brutally honest with this post. Some of my friends and family know that I have been struggling a bit here in Moldova, but I don't think I have revealed just how much. Since getting to Moldova (after debrief) I have cried every single day. I don't just mean a glistening tear down my cheek, either. I'm talkin ugly crying. Heaving, coughing, snotting….it's not pretty. I was so upset and so unhappy to be here and I couldn't exactly figure out why. Looking back, I believe it was a combination of things.
1. Leaving Ukraine was significantly more difficult than I anticipated. I fell in love with that country and the MacDonald family. It is incredibly hard for me not to compare one country to the next, it's only natural for me. But that is something that I know for sure makes transitions more trying.
2. Debrief was great. I was surrounded by my closest friends on the squad in addition to my awesome team, we received support from our "squad parents" and squad leaders, and we learned a lot about ourselves as individuals as well as our team.
3. I am sick of goodbyes. I said a thousand of them as I left for the race. I say them every month to our hosts. And saying goodbye to the rest of the squad this month after a week of debrief was just too much.
4. Homesick. Lifesick. Peoplesick. I realized this week that I am not nearly as tough as I thought I was. When signing up for the race, I never thought the "roughing it" aspect would be difficult for me. I have never been a person who needs much to be happy…or so I thought. It has become more apparent than ever that I am a city/beach girl through and through. I do not like the woods. I do not like not having a bathroom available at any time. Although our little house in Rassvet, Moldova is quaint and simple…I kind of hate(d) it. (Like I said, I'm going to be really honest in this post). When I first arrived I thought "Ok, I can deal with an outhouse. Ok, I can deal with sharing a giant foam pad with 3 other girls. Ok, I can deal with 8 people in a tiny house." Orrr maybe not. It's dirty, it's crowded, it's "rustic." With this said, the lack of comfort here just made me long for all the comforts of home. Including the best comfort: the comfort of people who know me and love me. (this is not a dig at my teammates! they know me as best they can for 2 months worth, and they love me to death!!) I miss my family, my boyfriend, and my friends more than I ever thought possible.
So you're probably thinking: Oh boy, Liz, you're only on Month 3! Don't worry…this post gets better..I promise!
This weekend was the breath of fresh air that I truly needed. We went into Chisinau (the capital) to stay the night Saturday so we could go to our translator's (Fanel's) church with him on Sunday morning. The girls stayed with Fanel's girlfriend, Oleysia, while the guys stayed with Fanel at his friend's apartment. We had hot showers…in a bathroom!! And the greatest joy…we had a TOILET!!! I never thought I would be so excited to see a toilet in all my life. (You never realize how truly clean they are until you experience other options.) That we just had a great night of making pizzas and having normal girl conversation. That night was a gift. The next morning we headed out to Fanel's church. We never know what quite to expect when we visit a church for the first time on the race. Do we need to wear head coverings? Do we need to wear long skirts? Can I sing as loud as I want? Do I have stand every 5 minutes to pray?
This church was wonderful. The people were beyond welcoming. Their smiles were so genuine and so warm. They asked us to sing a few songs for them. After two, they asked for another. I can tell you how happy that made me. We sang our hearts out for God. We didn't have to worry what this congregation thought. We didn't have to worry if they thought our music was too loud, too modern or contemporary–they accepted us as we were. And it was great.
Throughout the service, I was writing in my prayer journal. ((It tends to be difficult to pay attention in foreign churches when you only get half of the sermon translated,haha. So I usually use this time as my prayer time.)) I prayed for happiness, I prayed for joy. I prayed for contentment. I said, "God, I can't do this. I don't want to be here. I just want to be home. Please, please, provide me with happiness here. I want to want to be here."
About 20-30 minutes later the service ended. Then it happened. A woman from the congregation came up to me, rambling in Romanian with tears in her eyes. I grabbed one of our translators as fast as I could because this lady made it look like it was very urgent. This was what she had to tell me…
"I have been praying to God to be happy. I have been sad for a long time now. I just pray and pray for God to help me be happy. I asked him, Lord! Why can't I be happy?! How do I become happy?? He told me just be happy because He is with me. Just be happy. Just. Be. Happy. When I saw you sing today, I got goosebumps. I saw that you were singing from your soul and you had true joy. And now I have that same joy. Thank you so much for that joy."
Tears filled my eyes as soon as this woman started speaking. I knew it was something I needed to hear. God answered my prayer through her. God showed me that although I feel useless at times, although I feel that we aren't doing anything through our ministry, He is using me. The fact that He used me to bring joy to that woman, and in turn used her to bring joy to me, just blew my mind. I was so humbled at that moment. And I immediately had a spirit of thankfulness. I may still miss my home and loved ones every day, but I can do it with a smile now. Now, this situation just makes me RIDICULOUSLY grateful for the life I have in America. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my family and friends. I LOVE living with my sister. I LOVE TOILETS!!!
But because I love God more than all of that… I am happy to be in this tiny, dirty, rustic little home. I am happy to be meeting and interacting with the people of this tiny village. I am happy to be exactly where I am supposed to be. And although I was so happy to leave this little home for the weekend, I also found joy in our return. I am blessed to be here. I am so blessed to have this opportunity to travel the world and share the love and hope of God on the way. And though there are sure to be many more times in the next 9 months when I just feel like booking the next flight home, I will try my hardest to remember that short, sweet conversation in the tiny church in Chisinau.
