The night before launch…and naturally
I can’t sleep. I’d like to blame it on the overly caffinated Diet
Coke I consumed 10 minutes before bed (not your best Liz), or it
could be the bajillion pounds of chocolate ice-cream I ate. Or maybe
these girls I’m sleeping next to should know their obnoxiously loud
snoring is seriously anything but cute (note: bring earplugs)…more
than likely, it’s probably not any of those reasons. Let’s face
it-I’m leaving the country for almost an entire year…AN ENTIRE
YEAR! I mean could you sleep? Yeah, didn’t think so dudes. Time to
write a blog.
My favorite question so far: “What’s
your biggest fear going into this race Liz?” Ha! Boy if I had even
just one, I’d tell you all. No exaggeration necessary, I’m just not
scared you guys, not even a little bit. No, I’m sorry, but not even
death worries me; how about death is more like finally meeting my
Love, my Savior, my Daddy..so no. I’m not scared of death. You see
there’s nothing that I’ll see or do on the race that really scares
me. What actually scares me is what I won’t see, what I’ve left
behind. What scares me is the life back home I’ve put on hold, the
faces I started missing 72 hours ago. My mind in a nutshell (your
welcome in case anyone cares):
-
I’m scared there wasn’t enough
time. I had all the time in the world yet I had no time at all. -
I’m scared that “I love you”
and “thank you” just weren’t enough at times. That everyone
needed more than just words from me. I failed many times. -
I’m scared I just didn’t say I
love you enough in general…who ever really does? -
I’m afraid my parents will never
truly believe me when I say I appreciate everything they’ve done for
me and have never once taken anything for granted. I mean that. -
I’m scared I got too lazy at
times, and now my moments of complacency are screaming at me
exposing my regrets -
I’m afraid my wisdom was wasted
and I didn’t pour into the body of Christ like I should have. -
I’m afraid I didn’t share enough
of my heart with others and that I’ll never get another chance to -
Scared that I still have so many
people to ask for forgiveness from and yet I’m not sure if it will
ever happen. -
I’m afraid of the messes I’ve left
behind that I have yet to clean up…and even more afraid that I’ll
never be able to. -
Afraid there’s too many questions
that still need answers…but I may never get them.
Home is my fear. It’s not an 11-month
mission trip, it requires a lifetime of mission. It’s not something I
escape to, but something I try to escape from. Because I know in the
end, when this trip is all over, home will still be waiting, and I
will still be terrified. I’ll be going back to people in my life
who’ve seen my best, my worst and my ugliest sides of me. They’ve
seen things in me I’m not proud of, and sometimes I just want to run
and hide from it all. They’ve seen my mess that sometimes I wish I
could clean up in an instant.
….Lord, I am just such a mess.
But then I think of the happy ending,
the sigh of relief. I’m getting a 2nd chance at
everything. I’m getting 11 new homes and I’m getting an entirely new
family, one made up of 44 of the most jacked up, on fire and radical
Christians you’ll ever meet. I can already call each of these places
home because when Christ shows up, we’ll have no trouble settling in.
So I’ll stop complaining now and start rejoicing, because I’m getting
something that most people don’t: Another chance, and I am so
blessed.
I’m still a complete mess, but I’m in
the best shape I can possibly be in. God is going to radically wreck
me and I am muy emocionada! Even as I write this now (this blog was
started 3 days ago) I have now reached El Salvador and God is already
at work…He is here. For these next 11 months I’m not going to look
back but look ahead, because who I was is “yesterday”, and who I
am now is “today” and “tomorrow.” No more fear of home, but hope for tomorrow, hope for this journey, and hope that God is going to fix me. Dios es bien!
(and p.s. yes…I did add a Coldplay video so haters back off! 🙂 )
