“The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size.”
–Oliver Wendell Holmes
I think Oliver puts it well and that is exactly where I am at. I am having a hard time processing all that I have seen and experienced. I have not allowed (or rather forced) myself to process it-I’ve bottled it up.
Plus on top of all of that, I am trying to surrender ‘me leaving the race soon’ yet finding the balance of supporting, encouraging and loving my race family.
Just yesterday was a rough day. I was walking in K-mart for something on sale, and I walked passed a brand line of clothes named “GLO” (which was my 1st team name). It sort of shocked me, but I had to hold it together, because I was in public! Then I continue to the check out and see NesCafe-which was considered like gold to my teammates.It is here than I began to break. I did not even get what I was there to get.
Then that night I felt anxious/nervous/flustered and I could not sleep.. So I drove and drove. I now know every 24 hour store that is in my town (only 5). I spent hours on the road. I would listen to worship music, and at times just sob. And I still cannot put words or explain why. I know I am overwhelmed and do not know where to begin.
Overall, I am processing still being sick (17 weeks in total) , wanting to be with my teammates and immersed in another culture (and language), dealing with reverse culture shock to the United States, and processing some of the things I witnessed or was apart of.
How does one really fully process:
Women who were beaten until she was pouring out blood-and it was ‘just accepted’?
OR
Serving and living with the poorest in the slums and having them humble you and bring so much life?
OR
Children die of starvation or of something preventable?
OR
Seeing a girl the age of 6 or 7 with a man 60+ walking hand in hand to the bed room?
OR
Children beaten, ridiculed, tempted and abused with no escape out?
OR
Seeing a paralysed woman stand and walk? (Praise God!)
OR
you fill in the blank…. there is a lot
Now don’t get me wrong. I am beyond excited for the near future. God has placed me in Reno-and I am excited for the community, ministry and opportunity I will have there. And I am beyond excited to be serving full time in Thailand with SHE Ministries, starting in the Spring of 2011.
Though I do not know exactly why I am still sick, I am here and with a purpose.
