Ah, last week I was so sick and tired of everything, I just wanted to scream.
I was sick and tired of:
Wearing the same ole frumpy clothes day in and day out… I wanted my American closet
My terrible toothbrush… I wanted my sonicare
Rice… and we aren’t even to Asia…. I wanted hummus and couscous and my juicer
Being asked the question, “how are you?”… I wanted to say “I’d be better if you’d quit asking
that.”
Being told how to process things… We are all different
No good nail polish colors… I wanted OPI… and a pedicure, if we are being real
No cute jewelry…. I wanted to go shopping
Bumpy, terrible roads and crazy drivers…. I wanted to be in America
Hot humid weather… I wanted fall, beautiful colorful trees
Terrible smells… I wanted non-polluted air… or maybe even some perfume
Dogs everywhere… enough said
Only girls… yes, a guy to balance out the estrogen would be nice every once in a while
No good, new music or movies…
My meals being chosen for me… I wanted to make a healthy, crunchy, vegetable wrap
My days being planned for me… I wanted to sit by myself at a local coffee shop and just read
Being called a “gringo”
Being whistled at… always… Any gringo that walks by is guaranteed to get whistled at
Having to stay on alert always so I don’t get pickpocketed
Corrupt governments
Crying babies
Have you ever had one of those days where everyone and everything gets under your skin? One of those days where you could scream when people keep asking “what’s wrong.” I just wanted to scream back “NOTHING IS WRONG… I’M FINE.” The thing was, I wasn’t fine.
Those were the exact emotions that went through me last week. Finally, I broke down to my team. I told them how much I missed my friends. I missed our silly conversations and Bible studies at coffee shops. I missed playing Settlers. I missed running the streets of Nashville. I missed my small group and all of our outings. I just missed my life.
Instead of calling out to God with all my frustrations, I was avoiding Him. I was praying less. I was reading less. I was listening less. Instead of all the things I knew to do, I had fallen back into my old life. I found myself on FB, calling my parents just to chat, and texting my friends. My flesh was taking over and all it was doing was leaving me empty and irritable.
That night, as our team talked I was made aware my team had noticed these “subtle” changes. Apparently I was being more transparent during that struggle than I had intended to be. During my team time that night I committed my time back to the Lord. In only two days away from daily devotions with my Savior and best friend Jesus, I found myself in a rut. My flesh was taking over and I was pushing my Spirit aside. In my head I was trying to use excuses to justify my behavior. I blamed it on “hormones, not enough sleep,” etc., and for a day I believed those lies.
After the intentional team time, I decided no more. I woke up the next morning and spent a ton of time in prayer. I asked for forgiveness for throwing God on the back burner. I told Him how useless I am without Him. I asked Him to take those negative feelings from me. I wanted to fight for our relationship again. I told Him I wasn’t willing to take any more steps backwards. My fleshly desires were trying to get the best of me, but I wanted Him to help me fight them. I asked Him how to fight for them. Guess what He told me… Read more. Pray more. Spend more time with Him.
I did. I gave up internet for a few days until I felt ready to fight. Ready to not get pulled back into Facebook and all the worldly gossip I found my flesh desiring.
Anyways, after this struggle this past week, I was taken to this quote, “By obedience or disobedience, humans will come to know good and evil by experience. Experience gained by fearing the Lord is wisdom, while that gained by disobedience is slavery.”
Last week I was more disobedient than ever. A lot of times flat out ignoring God or throwing Him on the backburner. Guess where that left me…. in slavery. I was in bad moods, exhausted and irritable.
That being said, when you find yourself in these moods, I encourage you to take them to the Lord. I encourage you to learn from my mistake. The longer we stay in those ruts, the emptier we feel. If you are in a rut, Read more. Pray more. Spend more time with Him. God is love and God is truth. The more time we spend with Love, the more we will love! The more time we spend in the truth, the more we will know the truth! See those things above were all worldly desires and things I wanted and the truth is His love is enough and it is all I need.
