I’ve been frustrated, disappointed, and overwhelmed to the point that I had completely shut down. To make matters worse it was almost always during worship. What kind of missionary shuts down and gets pissed off during worship?
But really.
Tonight was like any other night. iSquad was coming together during our 2 month debrief to re-center and realign ourselves before starting out month 3. It began with people singing their favorite songs and I was enjoying myself because I like to sing. But something changes when people worship. The atmosphere changes and everything seems more personal and intimate. People start doing different things like falling on their knees or lying on the ground. Some people jump around and others pray quietly to themselves. I sit there seemingly completely unaffected and that begins to frustrate me. I am starving for me so what gives? I don’t want to be the third wheel on all of these people’s dates with Jesus.
I approached my coach, Joanne and told her I’m completely worn out. I know that I can’t earn or work for his grace and I have to be honest but honestly I’m getting tired of worship being something I dread rather than being love poured out. She listened and hugged and then she prayed.
“Lord she wants YOU. She’s not after a feeling or a gift but YOU. Show her who YOU are.”
Or something like that. She encouraged me to pray whatever was on my heart and to just tell him how much I loved him. I told her I needed to get back on my knees. I let the built up tears of frustration, disappointment, confusion, and weariness leak out onto my cheeks. After a while I felt able to sing at least and went to sit by another member who seemed to be struggling. As I sat there and sang quietly to myself our team coaches asked me if I wanted to be anointed with oil. Of course I said yes.
They led me to a more open area of the room and they smeared this yellowy looking oil on my forehead and began to pray that God would come and meet his daughter. I started to feel really wobbly and began to plunge backwards. I almost started to catch myself because I didn’t know if they could catch me but they gently but firmly told me to give in.
As I laid on the ground tears really began to fall from my eyes (sideways I might add) and an overwhelming amount of love for my Jesus welled up inside of me. All I could pray was I love you… I love you… I love you.
I heard the music volume lower and a soft voice explaining something but I took my time breaking away from being…whatever I was in and Sarah Miller had taken my hand was lying next to me.
“Dude, you just got slain in the Spirit. And you broke a lamp.”
I had no idea what she was saying but I was smiling anyway. I didn’t fall on a lamp did I? Jonathan loomed overhead and told me I owed him a light bulb. Ok really? What on earth happened? My mind couldn’t make sense of their words. They explained to me that as I went down the light bulb from the lamp nearby flickered and as I hit the ground it went out. Jonathan went to the lamp and flicked the switch and nothing happened. It really was broken.
As I got up to share with my team and my squad what had just happened my stomach and chest were tight with a nervous excitement like I was about to go on stage or on a first date. My team told me later my eyes were sparkling and my smile was brighter.
I have no idea what any of that means or does but I’m beginning to rest in the fact that I can’t really rely on my understanding of God. He is much too big and wild to ever be contained in my finite mind.
I supposed I owe the Bater House a new light bulb.
