It has many names but the purpose is the same, to pull greatness out of each other. Sometimes this means you point something amazing out to a teammate and other times you point out an area that you think is hindering them from all that God wants for them. Until this week feedback has been pretty easy for me to digest. I ask for constructive feedback but even those have been easy for me so far.
This past week feedback finally got real. I mean really real. Without going into all the details that would take a lot of background and explanation someone finally pointed out how transparent and real I am until it gets too ugly then I shut it down. This shutting down is preventing God from getting into my innermost being to transform all of me. God isn’t interested in how much of my flesh I can shut down he wants me to open all of me up to him so that he can do much more than behavior modification.
When my teammate asked if she could give me feedback I knew it was going to be a hard one to swallow because I had a little fear rise up within me. I think our flesh knows when it’s about to die because it can’t help but cringe and prepare for the fatal blow to fall.
As I opened myself up to my team’s questions and feedback and opened up about the scarred parts of me I began to fight the tears that were threatening to fall from my eyes. I won’t say that I never cry but when I do I’m usually alone or I cover my face. I may or may not have a blankie that came with me on the race that I have during feedback most night.
Anyway during this particular instance I began to cry. I could feel it coming and I knew it was going to be the really ugly kind where snot flows down your face. Better yet it was going to be in front of 5 other people that I didn’t know three months ago. Perfect.
I didn’t take my blankie and cover my face this time and it was uncomfortable and awkward. Jochem even hugged me which was more awkward because I do not let people into my brokenness past a certain point and we passed that point as soon as follow up questions were asked.
Even though I have tried so hard to change myself I am still projecting my past relationships and understanding onto God. What God has been revealing to me is that because of failed or broken earthly relationships I don’t trust him to be good to me in some areas of my life. Seeing him as a Father and as a Husband is really hard. Seeing him as a friend that will be consistent and constant is unfamiliar.
To address this misconceptions means I have to look into past hurts and fears that have been buried for years so now I am left this this festering, gross, and ugly wound. For me to experience true freedom from these hurts means I have to be brutally honest about how much they have skewed my perception of God, which brings about a whole plethora of emotions that I can’t even begin to identify or organize. As I begin to examine and reevaluate I will have my team remind me over and over that where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom and then rest in His presence because all of this work and effort has left me completely exhausted.
