What Do I Know?

To answer the question I posed in the title, I must first tell you about a song that spoke to me last October when I was living in Kyiv, Ukraine.  I was walking to the metro and a song came on my Ipod that tugged at something in my heart.  The song is ‘What Do I Know of Holy’ by Addison Road.  Seven months later I am still listening to that song daily and it is still speaking to the depths of my heart.  Here it goes:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too
small

I never feared You at all No

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

First verse.  I have definitely made God promises in the 15 years I’ve walked with Him, probably more than a thousand times.  I have tried to hear from Him and many times I have talked so much, relied too much on others counsel, or taken so much control that I haven’t quieted my heart to listen to the Lord.  I have made Him way smaller than He is and at times taken things into my own hands.  Do you ever put Him in a box?  And sadly, I have often feared men more than I have feared Him.  I can be so quick to lose perspective and fix my eyes on myself versus Christ that I sometimes wonder if I would really know Him were He to touch me or sit down next to me on a bench.  Don’t worry just this week, He touched me.  Not tangibly, but I felt Him, He did something through one of His people and I know it was Him. 

(CHORUS)

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?

Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

God spoke you into motion, He spoke me into motion.  I mean I believe that, but do I really live like I believe it.  Do you live that way?  I have stood on shores and oceans all over the world, He has allowed me to see so much of His world and His people.  Everytime I stand in front of the ocean I think of the vastness and greatness of God.  Where He has taken me in the last 30 years, from infancy to now is unbelievable.  I’ve walked through the fire.  I have felt His discipline and fury (I have needed it at times).  I have seen His sacredness and holiness.  And honestly, I’m in awe of His beauty, on so many different levels. 

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about

How You were mighty to save

Those were only empty words on a page

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be

The slightest hint of You
brought me down to my knees

It’s easy at times to think we’ve figured it out.  We live in a society that pushes us to succeed, to arrive.  I went to bible school, lived on the mission field and have been under great leadership and training.  However, I have come to a conclusion in my personal journey with the Lord that I will NEVER figure it out and that is not what I am called to do.  I am called to pursue intimacy with Christ.  I am called to love God and to love others.  I’ve caught a glimpse of who God is and I’m convinced I’ll keep catching glimpses.  When you truly pursue Christ and make Him your first focus, you will not only be brought to your knees, but you will be driven to tell others about this unbelievable God that you serve.  You will long to be a part of something more and to make a kingdom impact with your life…or at least I will.

The last several months have been interesting.  My intimacy with the Lord has struggled as I’m in a weird transition.  I have run to outlets and wallowed in my own self pity.  When my focus shifts back to Christ and I get out of the way, God has the freedom to work and the peace that surpasses all understanding returns.  There are so many incredible people that love me and have a vision for my future.  I don’t want their vision.  I want God’s vision.  He gave me a dream last year.  I’m going to follow hard after that dream and do what it takes to be a part of something bigger than myself in the areas that know I’m gifted.  I saw a comment the other day on a friends world race blog – it said, “I was 32 when I found my career, 35 when I found my husband.”  I confess I put God in a box all the time.  So what do I know?  I know that I trust God completely.  I know that I tend to take control at times and God is quick to put me back in my place.  I know that God is holy, just, righteous, and incredibly purposeful.  I know that He loves me completely.  I know He’s got an unbelievable plan for my life and my current job is to be present where He has me, pursue Him with all of my heart and trust that in His timing He will make it very clear.