India is stunning.
My favorite memories here are of our car rides in the ministry’s beat-up 12 seat ambulance on our way to construction. We travail over bumpy and muddy terrain, through the wet green countryside. Passing over flowing streams of water that seem to laugh and bubble with life, sparkling with deep blue. The fields are covered with the whitest waves of grain Ive ever seen, so bright that they hurt my eyes to look at. The mountains stand hazy in the distance as the sunshine reflects on their surface. It feels breathtaking, adventurous, captivating.
But the glory of God shines most in India through it’s people. Our new friends are some of the most generous and lovely humans I have ever met. As a squad, we have been so spoiled by the locals. They cook delicious meals for us, play volleyball with us, invite us into their homes, their families, and their lives. Their hearts are open and eager to know us and be known by us. They are truly a reflection of the Father’s goodness. Made in his image, a reflection of his likeness.
God has been teaching me a lot lately about beauty. He has given me sweet moments with him, his people, and his creation, and has asked me to see with his eyes.
I just finished reading a book called Captivating by Staci and John Eldridge. It was written to be a guide to the soul of a woman, created by God with a specific kingdom purpose.
I tend to avoid these types of books because I feel like they will be too froo-froo, mushy, or touchy-feely. I have never had the desire to explore or unveil my womanhood in a blatant fashion to the world. Mostly because I think it draws unnecessary attention to my differences. I already know that I am created empathetic and relational, that I desire to be romanced, to experience intimacy, that I have beauty to unveil, that I have a heart for adventure with a companion…
So what? Why do we have to talk about it?
The truth is that sometimes I am afraid of these deep settled womanly desires. I mistakenly believe that these passions makes me overemotional, needy, or controlling. I prefer to think that I am self sufficient, independent, competent, and reliable.
The other morning, My leadership team sat together and discussed the month one debrief schedule. The whole time, I was so excited to go outside. The rain had finally stopped after many days, and the sunshine had come out to play. I was also hoping to get a little vitamin D on my face because I was hoping it would lessen my acne. For the last few months, my skin has been a point of insecurity and frustration.
But, right when the meeting ended, the sun went to hide again behind the clouds. Seemingly out of nowhere I just burst into tears! I was so frustrated over something so seemingly trivial and out of my control. I couldn’t help but think, “Oh my gosh, what the heck is wrong with me?! Why did I just freak out?” I fasted lunch because I felt like a spoiled child who pitched a fit when she didn’t get what she wanted. It was the same feeling I had a couple days earlier when I didn’t get to go to the market to get hair dye. One minute I was feeling nice and rested and the next alarms were sounding. I prayed immediately, first that the sun would come out and I would get what I wanted.
But, what is so funny, is how the Lord works in those wacky moments.
I heard him saying clearly, “Don’t you think I have better for you? Be patient, my darling. Let me pursue you.”
The problem was that I wanted to feel adventurous, I wanted to feel worthy of delight, I wanted to feel beautiful.
As I was hanging my laundry upstairs only 20 minutes later, this group of six precious little girls came upstairs and started talking with me. Esther, Frida, Rebecca, Diana, Ruth, and Hannah. They volunteered to help me hang my laundry and wanted to know everything about me. These perfect new friends were enthralled by me. They chattered amongst each other, “Can we touch your face? Your skin is so soft! Your hair is so pretty! I love your bracelets! You are so cute!”
These perfect young women showed me what beauty truly is. They shone with the love and radiance of their Father. So Sincere and sweet, with a precious and priceless innocence.
Over the next hour, we played and colored in my room. They wrote me personalized letters while I doodled cursive all over their arms with sharpie. It was silly and fun and the best time I’d had all week. I loved watching them play with each others hair and twirl around the room.
He replaced my heart of wanting with a heart of gratitude and faith and identity.
Right after they left, the sun reappeared brighter than before. As I sat and basked in his presence, I rested in knowing that I was created, just like those precious girls, with a distinct and meaningful purpose. I was able to be completely relaxed and at rest in his love.
As I have taken ownership of my desires this month, I have been able to recognize the truth that reveals the life I am meant to live as a woman.
Desire reveals design, and design reveals destiny.
My soul is a unique reflection of Christ’s compassionate mercy, his desire to be pursued, to unveil beauty to his people, to allure others into action, to mother the destitute and brokenhearted.
So there are a few things I am completely confident in:
My father delights in me.
I am alluring.
I have beauty to unveil.
I am worthy of romance.
I have an adventure to live.
I am powerful.
I am pursued.
I am captivating.
“Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” – Psalm 45:11
