So here is the deal, I am not a type A personality.
Of the practical skills I struggle with, the list is a lengthy one. I am not particularly attentive to detail or focused or ambitious. The things I prioritize aren’t always important in comparison to what I actually should prioritize. My motto isn’t “work hard, play hard,” it is “play now, work hopefully never.”
Here is a quick list of things that I don’t particularly enjoy:
Cleaning
Planning
Goal setting
To do lists
Time management
E-mails
Disciplines
Organization
“Rising with the sun” (buncha weirdos)
Writing blogs – much to my family and supporter’s dismay
Sticking to the schedule
Making a schedule
The word “schedule”
Being in charge
Deadlines
Anything mandatory that wasn’t my brilliant idea
Authority figures
When people make me feel like I am incapable of taking care of myself
My mom’s name is Sara. Sara is a wonderfully intentional and caring woman with warm brown eyes and a dazzling smile. She is smart and driven and sticks to her guns. She has all the good qualities of a wonderful mother. She has always taught me the importance of follow-through, having aspirational (yet realistic) dreams, and the importance of taking responsibility. All good things, amiright?
Well teenage Liz didn’t think so! To be honest, adult Liz is still working on it too. For example, I had the idea for this blog about a month ago and I am just now getting to it! Oops.
I am a very go-with-the-flow type of gal. Many people would say that it is a blessing to be that way, but it also leads to a lot of issues when it comes to practical real-life situations. Doing dishes or budgeting can feel like climbing a mountain. Managing my time wisely and learning to be assertive and take charge is daggum excruciating. As I grow up into an adult human, I often feel like I am not living up to my potential. I sometimes doubt that my hardest efforts to be responsible or capable or adequate will ever be enough.
Don’t mistake me, I am not complaining or making excuses – I just want to be honest about my struggles. I am still so blessed to have gifts from the Lord as well. A lot of things come easy for me that are hard for other people, like letting go of control and being vulnerable and spontaneous.
The Lord has been revealing to me a lot about how my insecurities are actually what keeps me from living in freedom and walking in the ways he desires. He is leading me through some uncomfortable things these days and rearranging my priorities and mindset towards a more consistent life. I can honestly say that my struggles and failures are things I have been aware of for some time. But my only motive for change wasn’t pure. I wanted to be good so that I could please the people around me. I hate feeling like a burden – like I am letting people down. It felt like that for a while with my mom. The remarkable ways she showed me love felt to me like she was being overbearing and controlling. This was not because of anything she did, but because my flesh instinct is to seek validation and a sense of worthiness and belonging in the eyes of people rather than in the Lord. We can’t change ourselves for the sake of other people – trust me, I have spent a large bit of my life trying. It doesn’t freaking work. It is exhausting, and unfortunately failure is inevitable. (I know this blog is depressing, but I’m getting to the good part)
We all have struggles and fears; mine just look different than yours. The key to having a surrendered life is acknowledging what is hard and what doesn’t come easily. It is through self-awareness that we can allow God into our messy hearts, confess our sins, and allow His Spirit to renew us day by day.
These past few months I have been studying a book titled “The Celebration of Discipline” by Richard J Foster. It’s been a doozy, folks. Everyone should go read it.. I mean, at least the introduction. One of the main points that is made in this book is “To be in the presence of God is to change.” This is the issue – we say we want to change, but we aren’t seeking the presence of God. Maybe we are actually secretly avoiding change because it’s painful and uncomfortable and scary so we run away. Or we seek for growth and change in other places – like through validation from other people, bad habits, self-help books, or medication. Some of my coping mechanisms are passive aggression, making jokes, self-deprecating, downplaying my capabilities, making false promises, flattery, and simply shutting down. Gross, right?
So now I am on this race. Half way around the world from my mom and figuring out day by day how wise she really is. How she can’t change what I struggle with or how I manage my life, but God can and that He is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. As I learn more about his consistent and unchanging nature, I desire the same thing for myself. I’m taking risks despite the many opportunities for failure and learning from mistakes when I inevitably make them. I know now that other people have expectations of me, but also that I am not enslaved by these expectations. Just because I fail people, it doesn’t make me a failure. I am making realistic goals for myself and letting God be the only judge in my life. I’m refusing to believe the lies of the enemy that tell me I am incapable or unworthy or a screw up. And I know this all sounds so inspirational and easy but it is actually a bloody fistfight every single day. I have to wake up and choose to believe that my mistakes and my feelings don’t define who I am. I have to believe that as I continue to walk forward in obedience I am being created more and more into the image of my perfect father.
By the way, Happy Birthday mom. I love you very much.
