Two weeks ago, I was hit with many changes and heartbreaks that brought up emotions I never thought or knew I had. There was so much going I had no idea how to take it in and process, leaving me numb and emotionless. So here is a recap of the last two weeks leaving the island in Nicaragua, being in the states for eight hours and jumping on a plane to the Asian culture in the Philippines.
Here are a few reasons emotions were high:
1. No sleep- After sleeping only 2-3 hours a night for a month, I was worn out and too exhausted to even eat or sleep.
2. Friend going home- I got a message from my dear friend who was on my squad. She decided to go home, bought a plane ticket and everything. I was shocked and had the “deer in the headlights” look for a day or two. I was so sad that she wanted to go home because I was so excited to be doing life together on the race.
3. Asked to be a Team Leader for an all girls team- One of the squad leaders called me to ask if I could like to be a team leader in the Philippines. I am pretty sure my stomach flipped. I thought she called the wrong person, I thought it was a mistake. How could I possibly lead a group of girls in Asia? I could barely get around in Central America just being on a team! Plus, all girls….that means lots of drama.
4. Team members- Now that I accepted the Team Leader role, I had to find out my team. When they announced to the leaders our team, I wanted to throw up. Not because I didn’t like my team, it was because I didn’t really know some of them and I had 7 to make 8 on a team….everyone else had 6 or 7 total on their teams. Why did I get picked to have more? How do they trust me with this many people?
5. Another squad mate was going home- a good friend of mine had to go home for health reasons. I am pretty sure my heart broke the night she told us. I hated leaving her at the airport while we were headed to the Philippines.
6. Leaving my friend/sister in the hospital in Managua- gosh, that was a tough one. It was so hard to not be able to do anything when your sister is lying in the hospital bed in pain. The night before we flew out I was able to visit her and say bye. Once it was time to go, I broke down in tears. I had to leave my friend to go to the Philippines while she had to stay back and have more tests done.
7. Seeing my family at LAX- I was so blessed to have my parents and sister fly out to see me during my layover in LA. I was nervous because I hadn’t seen them in 3 months. We all have changed, especially my sister growing a little boy inside her belly.
How could anyone possibly get through all of this without a meltdown? If you know how, let me know because I am still trying to figure that one out. There were lots of tears, lots of external and internal processing, lots of one on ones with great friends, and lots of praying. There was nothing I could do to solve or control these things that were coming up in my life without God. I mean there might be, but it’s not as successful. So after some conversations and crying with friends, I cried out to God to take over. I could not hold anything in anymore. I had to call out to Him to take it away so I could function again. Letting go of every bit of worry, frustration, sadness, tiredness, hopelessness, and anxiousness and giving it to God was the best thing I could do. In scripture it says to not have an anxious heart….okay God, I need you to take that away because that’s what I’m feeling the most. I felt anxious about seeing my parents, for my friends going home and adjusting to it, for the safety for my friend back in Managua, and for leading a team. I got to my knees and I asked God to take everything out of my heart that wasn’t of Him. I asked that He would calm my nerves and have joy no matter the situation.
As a team leader, I must let go of my desires and seek out the desires of my team. I must let go of what I think being a leader is and let God show me how to lead. It’s humbling, but one of the best experiences so far. It has only been a week but I have learned so much about letting go of what I think should happen and letting God take over and work in us as a team. It’s not easy but I have loved being challenged in this. Sometimes I still feel like I am not equipped to be a leader, and to some extent I’m right. I am not equipped unless I have God beside me and being in constant communication with Him to better serve my team and my God. He is teaching me how to be confident in my role as a leader. I have seven people under me, waiting for direction and I have to be decisive and firm with the decisions I make. If you know me, you know I go with the flow not caring what we do. I can’t have that mentality anymore, I was placed to lead these girls to grow in Christ and my decisions are very important. So this is a challenge for me this month, to be decisive, to be confident in my role as a leader, and to love all of them like Jesus loves them.
