So many times the past several weeks I have had the desire to post something here. I have held back for a variety of reasons, but most of them were that I was too lazy, or I felt that I was too emotional at the time. I have this fear of feeling all emotional one day and spewing my guts and then realizing that I did not really want to say all that, like the confessions of a crazy person
Right now I’m calm, or, as mellow as a being with emotions can be. in this state there are some thoughts and things I want to share.
The first is fear. (Usually) my worst fear is that I am annoying. If I see you across campus and don’t wave its either because I didn’t see you- or I didn’t know if you wanted me to- like “ugh who is that girl- do you know her- you have associated with her- yugh!” I am afraid that if I interact with people they will be annoyed- its funny, but that has NEVER actually been the case. (or at least I have been too oblivious to notice) I know I should just suck it up and give people a shot no matter what comes of it. That I shouldn’t care enough about “being wanted” to let it stop me. But it’s hard to do without coffee. Coffee and good tea make the world beautiful : )
This sort of brings me to funding. I did not want to tell people ” I am going” because I was afraid I would do my usual thing and fall through the cracks between plans. I didn’t want all the people I told to know that I failed. The discouraging thing is that so far I have raised 20$. I may be making myself into a liar. The fear of being annoying makes it even harder to pursue 
people. what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to try manipulating people to help, I mean- lets face it, a couple of strategically selected Bible verses would probably put the pressure on anyone. But I don’t want people to be forced. I want them to do it- well- for fun.
( for my support letter recipients: If you do not feel that now is the time to help out financially, thats totally fine. Honestly I do not lie. cross my heart. but You Can Still Say Hi!!! I wasn’t just trying to butter you up with my sweet talk. I seriously wanted to know you better and let you know some of what you meant to me.)
Another thing support raising brings to the surface is that essentially I am saying that what I am doing is worth support. The truth is that I generally try my hardest to do perfectly whatever is asked of me- but inspite of that I do not feel that anything I may do (missionally especially) is worthy of support. I am not that cool christian girl who single- handedly fed and clothed dozens of starving children. I have never campaigned to raise awareness in -anything actually, I have never lead a bible study, I only recently started wearing cardigan sweaters (on occasion), I don’t have any tattoos or stories of my former crazy life. I have almost no real life experience. What do I have to offer?
( Ok. ok, So i have some things to offer- but I kind of doubt there will be a need for a female acrobat on The Race lol!)
And while I’m venting my frustrations about my imperfections I want to say something about Pursuit
I love love playing tag (or at least I did last time I tried) but ironically I HATE pursuing people, relationships. It seems like a lot of work, and it could lead to lots of yuckiness and feelings– and that is so uncomfortable.
Sooo to finish off, I am super self centered most of the time. I know I should turn my focus out more often, but it is so much more convenient to look in than out.
Ps. here is an example of my emotional writing- there was just too much good stuff in it to totally leave it out, but I edited it a little : )
Do you ever have those days where you just wake up- or get to a point where you are just mad. so mad. and you have no one to be mad at but yourself. that’s the worst, because there is nowhere to channel the blame. I can’t even feel sorry for myself because -lets face it I am soooo much better off than at least 99% of the population of the world. yeah. poor me.
I told myself I was too busy to start fundraising – aside from sending letters and telling my roommates about my shirts. The reality is this is my most boring quarter EVER. You might think, I’m doing what college students (especially seniors) are supposed to do. Hang out, go camping, talk about life, throw dinner parties, see movies, do bonfires whatever. Yeah. you overestimate me. thats why I join groups like acro like dive, like silks. that is my socialization. I never wanted to commit to one friend group; to work to get in, to stress about who was invited to what and bla bla bla. I usually like being able to do whatever I want regardless of whether there is anyone else there. Honestly. I probably enjoy watching a sunset MORE on my own than when I’m with people. Then you can focus on what’s going on around you, and think about mememe and life, whatever,- without trying to plan or wonder what you need to do or say in the next 15 minutes and what are you going to feed whoever. But I have done practically everything a girl can do by herself around here. maybe more.
I did it again. like in HS. I isolated myself for my comfort and ended up missing out on a lot. I thought it was good. I never wanted to get emotionally tangled up or in the middle of any cat games. but.
I’m tired of sitting. quiet. Im board. and I don’t want to fall between the cracks. and i don’t want to do some job I hate. or thats boring or dead. aghhhh!!
I can get over the physical dangers, I’ve removed ticks, squashed snakes, killed mice and butchered chickens, I’ve come to terms that I will probably have to deal with parasites and sickness at some point. But I am terrified about having to verbally talk to people about Christ, and I am afraid of you, dear team. Weather you will think Im annoying when I warm up enough to talk. weather, I will feel like you are the cool christians and I don’t fit in. (I’m sorry for even thinking that, and in essence judging you before I have even seen you)
ok another thing, On graduation. Yay im so proud of you. are you kidding!! I spent thousands and was hardly challenged, and rarely challenged myself. Even when I thought a class was tough it was usually not that bad. There were only a few cases where I had to give a class my full effort. the rest of the time I only thought I was stressed, only thought I was trying. Now that I’m almost done. I have no Idea how much I have retained. Maybe I know more than when I came in but… Applicable to what?
lastly (for real) a couple of weeks ago the pastor at Calvary SLO talked about something I want to remember to factor into all of my questioning. Doubt Your Doubts why do we- I – give credence to my doubts- why would I even give them the time of day? The truths, facts, I believe in I have tested and studied until there is no doubt as to their correctness- We live in a world that says to question everything- and to an extent that is really good– but why would I give any weight to an idea that contradicted everything I KNOW when that idea has ABSOLUTELY NO TRUE BACKING, only irrational fear?
