Hellloooo yes I do still exist! Last month was so gorgeous in Argentina! It was full of a lot of work, bread, laughter, delirium, Spanglish and Holy Spirit (my favorite combination). It was the hardest place for me to leave. I left with tear stained cheeks and a little bit less of my heart, because a piece of me stayed there with those people. I came into Chile guns blazing ready to do whatever God had for me here! I prayed a dangerous prayer before leaving Argentina though. I prayed God would use the next three months to radically change me into who He wanted me to be. I prayed He would make me more like Him. I prayed He would grow me in patience and in dependence on Him. I prayed whatever He had been trying to teach me that I would learn it. It’s funny how He really is always up to something.
Flash forward 2 weeks and here I am typing this blog on a 15 day sentence to BED REST. After we left Argentina I started having a pain in my tailbone. I thought it was a fracture from running. I took it a little easier on my exercises, but wasn’t about to stop working out (NO WAY PSSSHHHH). If you know me at all working out is literally one of my favorite things to do. I have worked out 6 days a week every week since I was 12 and I’m now 25 years old. It’s a BIG DEAL to me. However, the pain kept getting worse and worse to the point I woke up one day and couldn’t walk. That’s when it got through my stubborn skull DING DING DING something is wrong. Went and got an X-ray (no results for 3 days!) the day progressed pain got so bad I was in tears laying in bed. Went to the ER, finally, and found out I had a cyst on my tailbone!! It had swollen and gotten huge (I have pics if you’re not a queasy person and want to see let me know).
The doctor comes in and says ok we are going to have to cut into this. To which I reply ok do I get anesthesia, because obviously there’s no way he’s going to cut into this area that has caused me excruciating pain without it. WRONG. He says no and hands me a pain killer tablet and says are you ready?? Wait!!!! What?? I panic in my mind do I call my mom? Should I write a will?? Should I protest? Should I beg for something stronger than a little tylenol pill? Should I plead insanity so they knock me out with morphine? Before I could really formulate a response i’m being told to drop my pants… Then BOOM he cuts right in and pushes everything out!!! I’d like to tell you he was gentle and loving, but NO. I would also like to say that I handled the pain like a total BA, but I didn’t! I screamed and nearly broke my friend Christine’s hand and broke into a total full out sweat! After it was all over I stood up from a bed with my full body imprinted in sweat on it. Then I heard the sentence I thought would actually hurt me more than the procedure. The doctor said I was sentenced to 15 days of bed rest and couldn’t work out for 20 days. HAHA you’re joking right I replied. He said no i’m serious.
I’m going to be real honest here. I went home and had an actual mental breakdown. Before this I had a couple of total breakdowns about not being able to workout. I was freaking out thinking well if I can’t workout or move for 20 days then I won’t eat. As I was freaking out I thought if I was told I couldn’t read my Bible for 20 days would I respond the same way? Sadly no… That’s when it hit me that maybe I have an issue I need to work through here (remember that prayer I prayed before we got here haha). I realized I was making my body my god, I was making looking good an idol. Now it’s not a bad thing to take care of your body and workout and eat healthy we can actually worship God through how we steward our bodies, but my motivation was not to be healthy; my motivation was to look like the next Instagram model and have people think I was beautiful. My motivation was for people to look to me and accept me because of my body, because honestly I wasn’t so confident that my personality had much to offer. Due to childhood bullies I thought if I can keep control over my exercise and food then I can always look good, and no one can ever say hurtful things to me again. (funny right). I realized I was not only finding my identity in my looks, but in my work ethic. I thought there is no way my hosts this month are going to like me if I can’t work my butt off for them. If I can’t prove my value by my work then there’s no way they will accept me. LIES LIES LIES LIES. I am, you are, we are more than our bodies, more than our faces, more than our careers, more than what we can do for other people.
I’ve realized I am a daughter of God first and foremost and THAT IS MY IDENTITY. I have nothing to prove to anyone!! You have nothing to prove to anyone! I’m learning it’s ok to need help. My team and hosts are taking such great care of me during this time, and you know what they still love me. They love me even though I’m needy right now, they still love me even though I can’t do anything for them, the hosts still love me even though I can’t help them with ministry, and I am still beautiful even though I can’t workout right now because my beauty is not defined by my body, but by who God says I am. I am still a daughter no matter what I look like or what I do. Nothing takes away or adds to me being a daughter i’m simply a daughter of God. This has been a HUGE eye opener for me.
I’m learning how to be still, how to rest, how to be content in just being a daughter of God and being with my Father. Not checking off a to do list, not impressing people with how hard I work, not proving something by my discipline. I’m realizing that I am LOVED. Period. No changing that. It’s a fresh reminding everyday. I’m only on day 3 of bed rest and God is teaching me so much through this. I know I have a lot of growing to do and I don’t think I will ever have this perfectly down. However, God is a patient Father and sometimes God will allow things to happen in His wisdom that He could have prevented in His power, because He would rather have your heart right before Him than anything else. Just know you are LOVED and God is crazy about you. Spend some time today in stillness before Him letting Him speak to you about how loved you are.
Liv
