They say the struggle is the greatest, right before a breakthrough
I truly don’t know where to start, It all happened so fast to be honest. After debrief in Peru there was an unsettled knot in my stomach as we boarded our last 40 hr bus ride to Ecuador. This ride was much different than all the others because I was now entering unknown territory with out the United Worriers. For an entire 40 hrs I found it hard to let the reality I was heading into become truth in my mind. I chose to distance my self from the girlfriends that I had grown so close to because I didn’t want to feel the separation between us when we reached Ecuadorian soil. Most of my bus ride was spent in the passengers chair at the cab of the bus. I didn’t have to talk, make memories, or leave room for the repetitive “I already miss you’s” from Jaz,Megan, and Joané. Every time I heard “I’m going to miss you” it made me cringe at the fact that this was now my reality I was so desperately trying to hid from..
Welcome to Quito Ecuador!
Said the bus driver as we entered the city where we would stay. I aloud a grin to splash across my face however a smile was the last thing I wanted to give. We arrived at a house that would host 4 out of the 6 Ysquad teams. Ink-A-Link was the Name of the Organization that Hosted my New team “Girasoles” witch means Sunflowers. We lived in a big house with comfortable beds and hot showers. We had the nicest Host Parents to take care of us, and to top it off, delicious food prepared by chef Fabian. On paper this set up seemed to be prime real estate for a World Racer, What some would refer to as Beach living rather than Bush living. As I was appreciative to have a blow dryer and hair straightener at my finger tips, It just wasn’t the same with out the United Worriers.
It’s time to Invest…
I found my self being asked to come to a spare room of the house where my new team would meet for our first “team time”. Team time is a daily requirement by AIM to be intentional about spending time with the people you are living in community with. As Lydia, my new team leader, invited our team to come, a memory from debrief (Peru)flashed in my mind. “Liv, when you wake up every morning, I want you to choose God,” it was ironic that T.J. Was telling me this because these are my words. She chose to use my words to encourage me like I had done for her in Puerto Rico. “ Choose God then choose your team.” Choose my team? To choose my team would mean to Invest. When I Invest its not only parts of me but its all of me. Why was I so afraid to put my self out there? The fear of giving my all to these girls to have them eventually taken away, was not on my list of “to-do’s”.
Fear of Abandonment.
I realized I struggled with this the moment I stepped foot into the spare room where team time was being held. I quickly stuffed it down and justified it with “being emotional” because of past experiences. I put on a smile and Invested enough to be believable but not enough to get hurt (or in this case abandoned) slowly through out the month I found my self getting more and more frustrated with not only myself but with God. I needed an outlet but I didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to my team mates because the truth is I just flat out didn’t trust them. My mother was unavailable for the majority of the month and the Worriers were dispersed among other teams, and not around for a cry fest. The further into the month we got the more and more broken I became until “Abandonment” was all I could think about. It became the identity of who I was. I didn’t Invest in ministry, in my new team, in our hosts or in my walk with the Lord because of fear of abandonment. I was branded and bound.
To explain a little further; here is a general idea of some intricate times where I felt abandoned with in the last year. A very painful Break up witch resulted with me in jail away from the comfort and security of home. Meeting my Birth father face to face in month 2 of the World Race and being denied true and genuine love, (that I prematurely expected) and receiving manipulation and lies instead. Intentionally investing every part of who I was into the United Warriors to not only watch one of them leave the race altogether but to have my team split only days later, and to top it all off to have another Worrier go home because of a horrible car accident her family was involved in. By this time we had arrived in Panama, and finally made it to the Jungle of the Darien Gap. Christina was gone and my heart had just had enough. I lost it. I sobbed for what seemed like hours and I finally cried out to God, “Why are you taking all the ones I love, AWAY FROM ME!”
To be in lost-ness
Recognizing that I was in desperate need of being saved I had to go through this time of brokenness. God had to bring me to this point of “lost-ness” as Jill Briscoe titles it. Lost-ness is the point of witch you are at when you recognize your in need of the one true savior. And I experienced this moment here in the jungles on the Darien. Reality struck me and truth flooded my sole. I fear abandonment, and it consumes my identity… God save me!
This has brought me to a new chapter in the life of Olivia. Self-concept. I have been studding and leaning on the Lord more and more as he teaches me about who he is and why I’m so important to him. How he cares and created an identity just for me. I continue to choose my team Girasoles every day that I’m with them, and I’m not about to let the enemy detract me from gaining true freedom in Christ He isn’t going to win because Christ already won when he died on the cross. Amen!! Its a work in progress but I’m learning how to have a real intimacy with God and as I learn and grow ill keep you updated and filled in. Until next time Friends, Blessings.
As you know I have my last deadline coming up here on July 1st with only 2,500 left to raise! Please help me reach my final deadline and keep me on this life changing journey. Also keep me in your prayers. Nobody ever said life would be easy on the World Race. I need you prayers and support guys!
