This was an E-mail I originally wrote to a friend but it kind of turned into a blog post.
LIFE! Ok, so… where to start… In May we were in Ecuador where I found my self doing relational ministry with a pastor and his wife and their small church of 30 people. Though I loved it I felt like my heart wasn’t fully in it. God began to allow some things in my personal life rise to the surface as I began to spiritually battle through a lot of things from “pre Race” life. Mostly regarding my Relationship with ****. Though I got counseling and really began my relationship with God before attending the race I found my self still having hope for a life with him. I thought at this point id be so far past it that it would be a faint memory but here I was struggling well over a year after our break up and absolutely no communication.
Embarrassed, I consciously pushed aside the feelings I was having and locked them deep down inside and pretended they didn’t exist. I was unwilling to give them fully to the Lord because I was afraid that they would be gone forever thus loosing hope for a Real life… a Good life with the man I still loved. I went through a lot of spiritual growth and freedom from my unhealthy and broken life before the race. God surfaced those things in me because they bound me down and chained me from full freedom in Christ that I so desperately desired above everything else. a lot of my time in Ecuador was spent in prayer and listening to podcasts as well as doing the occasional ministry. I never realized how badly I needed a savior and how I didn’t have it all together even 6 months after the launch of race. Leaving Ecuador was like a breath of fresh air but I knew I was going into the next month with baggage I still didn’t want to admit that I had.
God took me into a season of more spiritual growth when we Got to Panama. Though I was much happier and much more myself I still struggled to really know Gods reasons behind why I was struggling with letting go of my past relationship. God began to teach me about the Love of Christ and what that looks like. I learned that Love has no price. Its freely given and its freely received. I never knew how much God loved me until I got to Panama. We were stationed in the Jungle of the Darien Gap and worked with an Indigenous tribe called the WOUNAN trib. They were a quiet and still group of people but in their own way very loving. I took a day off of ministry because a friend and teammate had gotten news that her Mom was in a car accident and was in an induced coma. she took the news like a champ and made arrangements to leave for home.
As I was in prayer and complete confutation of what the Lord was doing he assured me that he works all things out for the good of those who love Him. pressing on into the month God began to strip me of who I was. He broke down the walls I built up around this desire for reconciliation with ****. God began to build me up in him by teaching me about Fear of abandonment the key to why I was struggling with letting go. I realized that even from the day I was born I was abandoned. My Birth dad asked my mother to have an abortion. that was the first thing I ever learned about him. Because of that my mother was forced to work to provide for my needs and that separated her and I. My friends abandoned me at one point or another to collage or boyfriends.
I made it my mission to find someone in this world who would never want to leave me who would love me unconditionally and who would see me as highly favored… who just wanted me for me. That’s when **** was Introduced into my life. Because he has a similar story, I allowed my self to fall in love with him be cause he “understood” of course what It felt like to be unloved, not wanted, not a priority. and though I know he has a good heart and I know he tried his darndest to hold up to that, he rightfully failed. And it was by my standards that he did. I put him in the high place that God should have been in all along, and here I was a year later and I hadn’t taken him down. It was like a light bulb that went off.
I was staring into face the biggest sin I have ever committed “having other “gods” in place of Christ” but, feeling nothing but what I have been desiring since I was 18 years old. TRUE LOVE. God told me that I was loved unconditionally , that I was desired, that he would NEVER leave me. Through my repentance God began to show me my identity in Him. he began to do a work in my life that no longer required me to put my identity in those who didn’t create my inmost being.
I belong to Christ and I know it. He Knows me best and that’s good enough for me!
Now. I’m currently In Costa Rica and loving life and ministry here. were working in the slums running a feeding center and my Spanish is Muy Bien! we also do a lot of discipleship training and just flat out loving on these kids. I’m for the first time living out fully for Christ identity and all. God has blessed me so much through this experience and I’m so happy to be here.
( I’m 1,893.00 away from my last deadline of the year. If you would like to partner with me you can check out my blog and click the support me tab!)
