The World Race is as much about this refining process as it is about ministry. Intense community living, abandonment of comforts, exposure to so much pain in the world all begin to break down our facades of the Christian values that we have only pretended to fully possess. At a certain point in the journey, all masks are removed and the real attitudes of our flesh begin to come out. The exposure of these things within us is the first pains of change. Brokenness and surrender do not come easily, but we are following in the footsteps of a God who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross! ~Philippians 2:6-8
I stood under the ice-cold stream pouring forth from the shower head. I remained there for more than thirty minutes just trying calm down. I was frustrated, angry, and done with community living. Now I can’t even tell you why I was so angry. Maybe it was that my computer adapter was borrowed, but not returned, again. Maybe it was feeling pressure to make yet another team financial decision. Maybe I was just exhausted after a long day and couldn’t find anywhere to be alone. Maybe it was a combination of a handful of smaller irritations. Regardless of the reason, I found myself standing under the icy waters ranting at God about the injustices of community living.
For the last eight months, the Lord has really been working to eradicate many of the fleshly attitudes choking out His life in me; my pride, my entitlements, and my rights. You would think that after eight months of refining fire, these attitudes would no longer sneak up on me. However, here I am in a cold shower, being consumed by them once again.
I rant and rave for nearly twenty minutes before the Lord begins to gently whisper to my heart, Lay it down at My feet. He is tenderly calling me back to a position of surrender and brokenness before Him.
The Lord Jesus cannot live in us fully and reveal Himself through us until the proud self within us is broken. This simply means that the hard, unyielding self, which justifies itself, wants its own way, stands up for its rights, and seeks its own glory, at last bows its head to God’s will, admits that it’s wrong, gives up its own way to Jesus, surrenders its rights, and discards its own glory in order that the Lord Jesus might have all and be all. ~Roy Hession, Calvary Road (p. 11-12).
I have a decision to make. I can continue to vent, justifying my frustrations and my anger, or I can submit to the One who is everything, but chose take on my nothingness. Dying to self is a choice. It is a daily, moment-by-moment choice to make myself less so that Christ may be more.
This year has been a journey of dying to myself so that Christ might truly be made alive in my heart. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. ~Galatians 2:20
Today I choose to follow after Him. Today I choose surrender.
