When was the last time you truly felt the presence of God? Was it yesterday? A year ago? Or maybe never? If you don’t believe in God you may think this blog post isn’t for you…I challenge you to keep reading because maybe it is.
A week ago I probably couldn’t tell you the last time I truly felt the presence of God. I knew I believed in Him and I knew I had experienced his presence before but when that last time was I couldn’t tell you. That’s how long ago it felt. Yet here I was in month three of an eleven months missions trip with the only thing keeping me here being that I knew with every fiber of my being that on Oct 18th, 2014 God called me to go on the World Race in such a real way that I could not deny it without denying God.
This journey hasn’t been an easy one. I expected it to stretch and grow me, in fact that is what I craved, but the ways in which it has stretched me have been different than what I would have anticipated. I was so excited to get to spend a year living in community with other Christian’s learning from each other and spurring each other on. I have yet to find this for more than fleeting moments at a time. I expected to make friends I would bare my soul to yet I often feel lonely. And most disappointing was the absence of God that I felt. I expected to feel so close to Him and see Him working in the lives of those I met. I don’t write all this to get pity from you. I also do not want you to think I have not had an amazing time. I have. I have loved walking the streets of each new country and taking in its atmosphere. Even though they all share a similar story of communist rule until 25 years ago they have very different atmospheres. God has revealed things to me about myself and I have enjoyed reading my team mates blogs about where they have been seeing God move in their lives but I had not truly felt the presence of God this whole race.
So what changed? I reached the point where I no longer felt in control of life. Back in Romania I had gotten sick. Really sick. I suspected it was my gallbladder yet the doctor I went to dismissed it as nothing more than the stomach flu and sent me on my way. The intense pain I was feeling went away but I never really felt better. Then on our first weekend here in Albania the pain returned with vengeance. I was unable to stand up and walk on my own. Luckily I had a doctor, who while skeptical about it being my gallbladder, took me seriously enough to tell me if I didn’t feel better after taking a few days of probiotics to come in and have an ultrasound. Turns out it was my gallbladder. The initial ultrasound revealed a 1cm stone and I was sent to the American Hospital in the capital for further diagnostic testing. The doctor there did his own ultrasound and discovered that my 1cm stone was in fact a 5.4cm stone and the only solution at that point was to remove my gallbladder. They hydrated me and gave me some new medicine but would not be able to do surgery until I had a few days of feeling better under my belt. This was the 10th and 11th of November. The next day I got in contact with my insurance provider, which was provided for us through our organization, as I would need pre-certification for my upcoming surgery. No big deal right? Wrong. I was told that the insurance would not cover surgery because they deemed it a ‘pre-existing condition’. You see gallstone can apparently take months to years to form and even though I had never had symptoms at home and my doctors had never any reason to suspect a gallstone the fact that it ‘likely’ existed in my body before I left for the World Race made it pre-existing and my surgery uninsurable.
Now obviously when you are sick you don’t see things in the most positive of lights. And with feeling so lonely and knowing my mom was missing me and was still struggling to rent out the condo unit which I had been living in I thought “Is this you God telling me to go home?!” It isn’t the first time this month I wondered if maybe I was supposed to go home but now with all the signs pointing towards that I found myself on the roof yelling at God asking if Him if this is what He wanted. Last month God showed me I needed to work through my fear of fail failure I felt like coming home was the ultimate failure and wondered if that was the lesson I was supposed to learn. In spite of it all deep down I suddenly knew I did not want to go home, I wasn’t ready for this journey to end. The thought of it possibly ending early made me sad and angry because I had so much more growing I wanted to do.
But in that moment for the first time on this race I felt God’s presence. He was with me and He wasn’t going to leave me. I told Him my frustrations and anxieties and dumped a whole load of crap on Him. The best thing about God is that He can take it and He loves us anyways. I woke up the next morning still feeling His presence. Over the next few days I prayed more than I have prayed in a long long time. I was super worried about what the cost of the surgery would be and if it would force me to go home. Considering one IV bag, an ultrasound, three parasite tests, and two specialist visits had already cost me $300. My mom and I came up with a magic number that was our max price. I honestly didn’t think it was realistic given the prices I had paid so far but me, my team, the whole squad, and everyone back home was in prayer about it.
On Monday the 16th I went back to the hospital to meet with the surgeon to find out the price and if I was healthy enough to go ahead with the surgery. It was amazing how God showed up that day in such real ways. Instead of having to take the bus to the center of town and then pay for a cab to the hospital, I recognized the street we were driving on and the bus driver let us off at the street that leads to the hospital. I wanted to get another ultrasound to reconfirm the last results but I didn’t have an appointment. They told me there were a lot of people ahead of me but suddenly my surgeon passed by, recognized me, and took me right in to have another ultrasound and he was there to get all the images he needed. I also had to meet with the gastroenterologist to find out the results of my parasite tests and my surgeon also just happened to be meeting with him on an unrelated matter when I went to see him and actually consulted and advised I wait to start my meds for the parasite I do in fact have until after the surgery. Finally it was time to talk to the hospital manager about cost of the surgery. As I said I had already spent $300 on little things and figured surgery, an anesthesiologist, a night in hospital, and all the pre-testing I needed would be more than 10x that. I honestly didn’t believe him when he told me the price and when I realized how once again God had provided and answered my prayers that day I honestly came close to crying. Not only did it come in under-budget but they were available to do the pre-testing that day and could schedule surgery for the next morning meaning two full weeks of recovery in Albania before having to move on from our clean and comfortable living space complete with beds rather than me needing to sleep on an air mat on the floor! It was amazing how fast we got everything done at the hospital, it was early enough I was even able to go back to Lezhe for the night before having surgery. And while there is no bus stops near the hospital again we managed to catch the bus on the same street, we asked some guy about the bus and within minutes it was driving by and he waved it down for us. I had to be at the hospital for 7:30am the next morning and it is an hour away by car and 1.5 hours by bus. Our very nice cab driver who had driven us the first time a week before and charged a very reasonable rate made himself available to drive me back for surgery the next morning picking us up at 6:30am.
Many people assumed I would have been super worried about having the surgery done in another country but I wasn’t. Even as I laid on the cold metal surgical table my heart and mind were at peace. If you know me this isn’t the normal me; I am usually a rather high-strung person who has a lot of anxiety and here I was half a world away from my mom in a foreign country having surgery for the first time in my life. I also have a real dislike and discomfort for hospitals. While yes I shed a few tears with my friend as I waited for them to take me I knew everything would be okay and that the tears was just my body’s natural response and not how I truly felt on the inside.
Many people might say all this is coincidence but I know better. All day long and really for the week leading up to the surgery I felt so close to God. I truly put my hope in Him and Him alone as I knew I had no control over the situation. I’ve always been worried about putting 100% of my trust in God that what if He didn’t come through, I didn’t want to give Him the chance to let me down and be disappointed and hurt. But I have learned that at the same time I am also not giving Him the chance to show me His love and provision. Trusting 100% in God isn’t easy nor is it a single decision that lasts your whole life. You have to make the decision daily and I am sure I will struggle with this more than once on my race and in my life but this month here in Albania God showed up when I had no one else to turn to and reminded me how wonderful He truly is.
I am currently a month away from needing to meet my final fundraising deadline and I am about $2,800 away. While reasonably priced, I also have the cost of surgery. I ask that if you are able that you would consider helping me reach my fundraising goal with even a donation of $20 as my own money is now going towards the cost of the surgery.
Next month my team and I are one of 4 teams being rerouted to Greece to help on the frontline of the refugee crisis there. Your donations are what help me to help them.
If you are unable to give or have already donated I do not want you to feel pressured. I only want to make known the fact that the deadline is fast approaching and every donation helps and is deeply appreciated.
You can donate by clicking “Support Me” at the top of this page and paying via credit card or bank transfer.
