So as we come to the end of month two I am again looking back on the month that was and reflecting on what I have learnt.
Going into this month I was worried about living in a house with 28 other females and feeling like I didn’t measure up. One thing I have struggled with a lot in life was looking for acceptance from others and taking how they viewed me and incorporating that into my identity. But it doesn’t matter what people think of me or how they view and label me because that is not who I am. I am a beautiful daughter of Christ and he accepts me regardless of any and all faults I have and that should be enough. But believing that deep inside is easier said than done. I struggled again with this early on in month one but over the month felt like I finally won the battle and was secure in who I am. But that was when I lived with 5 other people. I worried about what living in a house of 38 would do to that new found identity. I was happy to realize that it wasn’t the struggle I thought it would be. I had a few insecure moments but never did I take those insecurities on into my identity. I felt like yay I have that conquered! One thing I have learnt is that yes you should celebrate the victories but never does that mean you are done growing. I was talking with a squad mate about my indecisiveness which is a quality that drives me nuts and he helped me realize that at the route of it was a fear of failure. I don’t like making decisions because what if the option I didn’t pick was better than the option I picked. I discovered this while I was still celebrating my victory over finding acceptance from others and I didn’t want another thing to tackle just yet but God had other plans. He showed me that I was having an easy time this month because I wasn’t stepping out and taking risks 1. where I could fail, but also 2. where people could judge me and reject me based on how I did. I realized my need for acceptance was tied to my fear of failure and I couldn’t completely conquer one without taking on the other. This was terrifying. Dealing with need for acceptance is an internal thing that I work through in my own head. Fear of failure is something you have to face publically. One thing that was surprisingly scary for me this month was the idea of taking a turn leading worship for the whole group. But I knew the only way to begin to conquer this fear as well was to face it head on and so I put my name down to lead worship. Before we started worship I shared with the squad my fears. This is what I wrote/shared:
OK guys I’m going to get real with ya’ll for a minute. This month has been hard! Actually this whole race has been hard. I have struggled with things I have never struggled with before and some things I have struggled with my whole life but only now feel ready to face. Right now I am actually doing both of those. Back home I help lead worship for a church of 250 people and I am fine. But somehow thinking about leading you guys and I feel like I could pass out! This is something I don’t usually struggle with but upon discussion with a friend us I have come to the root of my fear. A root that has haunted me for what I have come to realize is my whole life. Its root is my fear of failure. I don’t struggle at home because I know what my church likes. I know the prescribed pattern that is comfortable for them. I am comfortable. But I didn’t come on the race to be comfortable. I came to be stretched and challenged and to grow and this is how god is challenging me right now. I don’t share this to get praise for my braveness but rather to speak out against the lies the enemy tells me. Lies that say I am not good enough. That people won’t like the songs I pick. That screwing up would be the worst thing ever. I am good enough because I am enough! It doesn’t matter what I sing as long as I sing it for God. That if I screw up it doesn’t matter because God will always catch me when I fall. I speak this truth over myself and over all of you because life has taught me that in a room this size I am not the only one with these fears. This is what the bible says about fear of failure:
2 Timothy 1:7 For god did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power of love and self-discipline
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your god. I will strengthen you and help you I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
Isaiah 54:4 Do not be afraid you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace you will not be humiliated
Deuteronomy 31:6 be strong and courageous, do not be terrified for the lord your god goes with you he will never leave you or forsake you
Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid I will trust in you
So as I now begin this shaky, uncomfortable, and sometimes painful road of facing my fear of failure I challenge you to think about what lie you have been telling yourself and what truths you needs to walk in. It isn’t an easy journey, when I figure had the realization that it was time once and for all to face this fear I cried a good ugly cry. I cried because I was scared of the inevitable failure I would encounter, I cried because I was sad that I let this rule my life for the past 30 years. But I also cried because for the first time I felt freedom. Freedom because by calling out the lies I am beginning the process of breaking the chains that have bound me for so long!
I haven’t had too many other moments where I have stepped out and risked failure but I am going to put some honest effort into it next month. Wish me luck!
