Somewhere in Lake Lanier Part 2

As I sat against a tree near the shore, I wallowed in my
anger of not being finished with the log hike. These thoughts filled my mind: I
was afraid I was too broken, not good enough, and again, I was very angry.

Yet, God was still speaking.

He said “You know what you need to do… but how can you TRUST
me, give me CONTROL, give me your FEARS, and burdens while still being angry
with me? Look, You are scared of failing.”

That’s what clicked. My “hike” wasn’t over when I reached
the finish line. And wasn’t even about the doubt or control. I needed to “fail”
in my own mind to realize what I was scared of. That was my lesson… not the
challenging hike.

So I walked back over to my designated “staff person” a.k.a.
who helps us process and said “okay, I’ve got it, I failed and I’m angry.”

At that, everything I pent up in me was ready to explode. My
anger turned from God to Satan and I wanted to throw my log in his face. Or, I
at least needed to release SOMETHING.

So instead of placing my “burdens” (the log) at the cross, I
walked back down to the shore of the lake. I stood standing, leaning with one
hand against a small tree that bent beneath my weight, and with my log in my
other hand ready to be hurled into the lake. The rush of the water began to
become louder and louder, and I started shaking uncontrollably. The log was
resisting my power as I shook trying to throw it. Then all of a sudden, the
lake got quiet and I threw it with all the strength in me, hoping to never see
it again.

(However, logs don’t sink, therefore my story wasn’t as
dramatic as I had hoped, but hey, we all need some light laughter in the midst
of serious focus, ha!)

So I closed my eyes, pretended
it sank and walked back to the campfire where most of my squadmates were
already eating lunch.

My burdens were released but I couldn’t be for sure until I
acted on what God was telling me. “Give your 3 minute testimony NOW” Do not
fear what people will think. Do not fear community. Be courageous. So with the
support of my dear teammate Liz, I told the story of how I’ve never dealt with
my anger with God before… to all 60 squadmates and staff.

I’ve been secretly angry with God for taking my brother to
heaven so early, and therefore couldn’t trust Him, couldn’t give Him control. I
also had an extreme fear of intimacy, afraid of opening up to friends, and
especially this group of squadmates I met 3 days ago. But I did it. And my
squad responded with more love and compassion I’ve ever seen. They sang Happy
Birthday to David. All 60 of us sang Happy Birthday to him, and I cried, and I
let go, and I let myself be loved.

And it was beautiful.