My innermost thoughts as of late.
It’s hard being the only married woman on the World Race. Not because I’m married. Not because I’m a woman. And not because of the Race itself. It’s as simple as just feeling alone.
Man, you’d think that being surrounded people all the time would make you feel like you need to get alone (which is true, too). But, it’s really a lack of quality time with people, more so with the girls on the race.
Scott and I developed a pattern during the first 7 months. I was his wife, but I was also his “buddy”, since there were no guys for him to spend time with. He was surrounded by women, and so we spent a ton of time together. And that was fine for me, since we were getting some good quality talking time. My need for relationship was being met just by all the time I had with my husband.
And then this past month in Thailand, our team changed. We gained Rusty, Josh, Ryan, Tim, and our contact, Ray. Five guys around the same age, and in tight community. And I felt unglued. I felt disconnected. I felt friendless. I mean, I know Scott loves me, and I know I’m still his best friend, and I know that other people like me, too. But, because he was now in a healthy environment, having the much needed “guy time”, I was experiencing some loss. Loss that I should have never had to experience in the first place, if Scott was getting “guy time” from the beginning of the Race.
So, during this last debrief, I finally expressed some of this loss, to Scott and even to a couple girls I trust. My feelings about making and keeping friends: I’m not an initiator. I’m not a social butterfly. I do feel a lot of inferiority within a large group setting, so I prefer one on one time. I am innately an introvert, with extrovert tendencies (if I have to). And I miss my friends from home who already know all of this about me, and have developed bonded relationships where none of us feel like we’re holding the friendships together.
Out here I’ve felt that way. I’ve felt that if I didn’t put myself “out there”, if I wasn’t always trying to make plans, or be deliberate about spending time with other girls, it wouldn’t happen. And others have expressed to me that they don’t know the boundaries of a married woman. To which I say, test the boundaries. The worst that can happen is that I say I’m busy. Is that intimidating? I don’t know. But, I just don’t want to feel like I’m holding every friendship together out here.
Which is why I’m excited about this next month. I’m excited about the chance to have girl time. I’m excited to try to build healthy friendships with girls, and a healthy relationship with my husband. All this after 8 months. It’s a good thing this race was longer than 7 months, right?
