I cried in a Starbucks–not small, graceful tears. I’m talking embarrassing, mixed with laughter, ugly face, crying. And, while my darling teammate Jenny filmed and giggled at the shear fact that macchiatos can bring me to tears, the Filipino baristas looked on with expressions that conveyed both horror and amusement. I’m sure, even now, some of you have that very expression while reading this blog.
It was funny, at the time, to think that something so simple as a cup of coffee could elicit such an over reaction. Sure, I like my overpriced caffeine as much as the next born and bred American, but even for me, this was an odd rush of emotions that couldn’t simply point to caffeine withdrawals.
So, as I sat there, guzzling my little cup of sanity, I realized that, for the first time in nearly a month, I felt comfortable. Because, no matter where you are in the world, Starbucks remains virtually the same with its oversized leather chairs and colorful modern wall murals. It’s consistent. It’s predictable. It’s the place where I feel most at home. And, for a moment, I could imagine that my world wasn’t flipped upside down.
You see, Jesus has been at work in my heart from the moment I said “yes” to the World Race. And, though I’ve felt my heart turning increasingly towards him for some time, I was able to maintain a level of comfort and predictability at home. I was able to keep one foot in the kingdom and one firmly planted in a life and plan I had built for myself. And, though it was a “normal” and “good” life, it certainly wasn’t a life that reflected the gospel of Jesus Christ. My happiness and success were the ultimate goal. Jesus was relegated to the parts of my life where I could make Him fit. And, though I loved Him and had relationship with Him, I wonder how much of that was completely dependent on the maintenance of a gospel message that was all about me. I wonder if there is a certain lie Satan has sold us on, that makes us believe the gospel is something other than an all-consuming and all-encompassing passion for our Lord. I think it’s that same lie that makes Christianity so unappealing to the rest of the world. It’s the lie that makes us so utterly contradictory when we talk about dying for something we’re not even willing to live for. If I’m honest with you, my life thus far, has been about my kingdom come and my will be done. And it felt comfortable.
Comfortable soon became an impossibility when my foot touched Philippine soil.
This experience has launched me into an existence of almost constant discomfort—mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. God is teaching me, slowly, to bring everything I say, do or think under the lens of transforming more and more into a reflection of Jesus. It is a weight and responsibility that I so easily ignored back home, where all that mattered was growing into the woman I wanted to be. And, though this perspective shift feels like that moment at the drop of a roller coaster, when your body lifts from the seat and you pray the safety bar will hold, it also brings peace that casts out all fear. It is amazing, challenging, counterintuitive and freeing all at once. And I want more of it.
Month one on the field is coming to a close and, though our journey has only just begun, I am in awe of the work that the Lord is doing in my heart. And, though I desperately miss pieces and people in my life in the states, I am embracing the discomfort with open arms. Because, though it is hard, frustrating and painful, this is where growth happens—this is where the gospel takes root and begins the work of sanctification. I think it is the reason Jesus asked the rich young ruler to sell all he had and follow him; why he called the disciples out of the occupations and lifestyles that were so familiar. Because there is something so beautiful about deserting your game plan and agenda and approaching the Lord with only a desire to seek and find and cling to Him.
I’m tired of the counterfeit gospel that encourages me to live my life with Jesus in the backseat and my kung fu grip on the wheel. I’m exasperated with a religion that leaves me searching for satisfaction instead of sanctification. And, the funny thing is, I’m not sure I needed to travel thousands of miles away to realize that. But here I am, crying in foreign coffee shops and I’m asking God for more discomfort, more growth, more revelation of who He really is and what He desires for my life as it relates to His kingdom. It’s terrifying and exhilarating. It’s the gospel.
________________________________________________________________________________________
To all of my supporters and partners in prayer, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being such an incredible part of this journey. Words fail to express my gratitude.
For others who would like to join me in this ministry through a financial gift, please visit the “Support Me” link on the left-hand side of this page. In order to remain in the race I must raise $11,000 in support by December and the total sum of $16,200 by March of 2014.
