If you have listened to the radio in the last year, it is likely you have heard (and hopefully even enjoyed) the musical stylings of Phillip Phillips (how could a man with the same first and last name disappoint?). His most popular song is a catchy little number called "Home." I've always liked it and have been guilty of cranking up the radio when it plays. What I didn't realize until recently, is that the Lord is using this song to speak to me about my upcoming trip.
Hold on, to me as we go
And although this wave is stringing us along
That is where I am. I threw away the plans–got rid of the roadmap I made for my life. Why? Because I couldn't ignore the Lord's still, soft voice speaking into my soul, saying "follow." Maybe you've heard it and know what I'm talking about. Maybe you've ignored it. I certainly managed to for a long time. Because the truth is that listening, trusting and depending are hard. Dependence–the choice to give up the idea that we are the masters of our own fate–is scary.
Yet, the funniest part is that we were never in control to begin with. It's all a lie and any catastrophe will quickly teach that reality. So, I'm learning to be dependent on God, to live knowing that life is an "unfamiliar road"–both literally and figuratively–and that Jesus, knowing my yesterdays, todays and tomorrows, offers to walk it with me.
Just know you’re not alone
The battle isn't over once you decide to depend on the Lord. In fact, it's only beginning. The temptation to regain "control" of your own life will still be there. Think about it. How many times, maybe in the midst of a terrible and trying circumstance, have you taken the reigns from God to try and "fix" everything?
When I was little, I remembered thinking that the Israelites in the Old Testament were the dumbest group of people to walk (and wander) the earth. What were they doing? Why would they keep disobeying? Did those nimrods really believe that their false gods–the work of their own hands–could surpass the one who led them out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea and made food literally fall from heaven? Didn't they know that God was there all along–loving them, leading them, fighting on their behalf?
How humbling to realize that I am exactly like them. When trouble comes, my first inclination is to take matters into my own hands. Because my wayward heart interprets each trial–every difficulty–as a sign that God can't really handle the situation. The idea of the unknown is so painfully uncomfortable, that I will stop at nothing to regain the false sense of control over my life.
But here is what the Lord has been asking: "Make this place–the state of complete dependence on me–home. Live in that space. Learn to embrace the reality that life, with or without your plans, is unknown, but I am present and eternal."
So I'm giving dependence–real dependence–a try. There is no back up plan. And I'm expecting to see God "come through"–in any situation, every time.
Settle down, it'll all be clear
They fill you with fear
Now here is what you can expect when you begin walking in a state of dependence on the Lord–demons. That can take several forms, but I assure you all of them are rooted in the realty that Satan hates when we begin to fall in step with God's will for our lives.
Over the course of the last several weeks, I have experienced several spiritual attackes, usually in the form of dreams. In fact, I am writing this at 4:00 in the morning, having just woken up from one such dream. It's unknown and thus it's scary. But, here is the incredible thing, God is teaching me how to exercise His authority–to claim the blood of Christ and tell Satan that he has no place in my life, my thoughts or my dreams.
I have every confidence that spiritual warfare will be ongoing over the course of my World Race. And, I feel that God has me in "training." He is preparing me here, at home, to speak truth into the darkness and to have confidence in His authority. It's incredible. It's liberating. And, it continues to strengthen my dependence on God, as I see Him walking in step with me–day and night.
The trouble it might drag you down
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
I'm also learning that dependence goes beyond life decisions, and includes the constant reminder of Jesus's sacrifice for us. A couple of weeks back, I talked about being a "flower covered in manure." If you haven't had a chance to read that post, it essentially discusses the feeling that I wasn't qualified for missions, because I'm a sinner. I mess up all the time. I still struggle with this idea and know that Satan likes to bring it to mind, hoping that he can stir enough guilt to make me flee from God. It is so often our response.
Just recently, I was feeling so defeated by my sin–like I was trapped in a hole, able to see the light but never climb out and reach it. We've all been there and it can only be described as a place of utter despair.
Just as I began to withdraw from the Lord, believing the lie that He can't see me through my sin, God prodded my heart, telling me to read Psalm 32. Here's what it says:
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the one
whose sin the Lord does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.b]
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
while you may be found;
surely the rising of the mighty waters
will not reach them.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding,
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the Lord’s unfailing love
surrounds the one who trusts in him.
Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!
I'm not perfect and I'm still learning how to fully lean on God–to trust, to surrender and to stay in step with His plans and His will. I will mess up sometimes, but my heart's desire is to call Him "Home."
