THE VOID
It all started with a void–that sinking feeling that I had tried everything and still came up wanting. You see, I had it all together. I'm the kid that gave my parents very few grey hairs. I was the good one–the one with her head firmly planted on her shoulders. I obeyed rules. I got good grades. I cried when sentenced to a sole dentention during my entire education. I dedicated myself to gymnastics for over a decade, eventually earning an athletic scholarship, missing proms and highschool football games because I didn't want my training to "slip." I graduated college Magna Cum Laude with honors, was provided with a job during the greatest economic downturn since The Great Depression and moved out before my parents felt the need to give me the "baby birds must be pushed from the nest" speech. I have a great boyfriend, a loving family, an adorable adopted mutt and a solid church family. So, why was I unsatified? Why would I lie awake at night thinking that there must be something more–something beyond 401Ks, weddings and 9-5?
I tried to "fix" the problem–the nagging voice echoing the book of Ecclesiastes that said "life is meaningless." In a way, I did my best over the course of 2 years to test that wisdom. I smothered the unadventurous, straight-laced "good girl" that lived inside of me and replaced her with a more daring (and more idiotic) version of myself. I tried drinking until reality slipped away, shopping until all I could afford was Ramen, giving my heart completely to a man until I changed into what I believed he wanted and pushing God away until I could no longer hear that still small voice. And still, I felt empty.
The Lord was with me, even in my wandering. He broke off a relationship that I thought was everything and loved me in a way that that man never could have. He poured into me, healing all the wounds and the holes that had been left my by own self destruction. And, though I felt dirty and unworthy, he called me "Beloved." As life became more about him and less about me, I found myself feeling joy that I had been searching for, but there was still a longing–a deep need to not only grow in my relationship with the Lord, but serve him.
THE NUDGE
The Lord began to transform my selfish heart, changing me and placing in me a desire to serve others, rather than myself. I had already tried the things the world promises will make you happy–money, relationships, success and achievement. And here's what I discovered: none of those things are inherently bad, but if they are void of God, then they truly mean nothing. They can temporarily numb you, but NEVER satisfy you.
Jesus started with baby steps. He directed me to find a church group with more young adults. He asked me to lead a small group. He prompted me to support a child in Uganda, providing money for him to get an education and have his basic needs met. I felt priviledged to do all of this. It didn't feel like a sacrifice. And then, just when I was comfortable, I felt that undeniable nudge–you know the one I'm talking about–that God wanted more. I was scared. In my heart, I firmly said "no."
THE CATASTROPHE
Though I felt God was preparing me for a life alteration, I chose to be Jonah. I chose to be defiant and run. In my mind I told God, "Whatever you are planning, it can wait until later. Please don't disrupt my life. It's going so well!"
Try as I might, that voice would not go away.
Then, on July 20th, Sterling (my boyfriend) and I decided to go to the Batman premier with a member of our small group, Brittany. We had never been to this theater before, nor would we have ever gone had we not been invited. Those who know me are aware that I do not stay up until midnight…EVER. I like my sleep, especially on a weeknight. But, for reasons I still do not completely understand, I bought two tickets for a midnight showing and Sterling and I made a plan to go, following a speaking engagement that he had at a local church camp. His message was entitled "God's Plans Don't Always Make Sense." We had no idea how true that was.
During the middle of our movie, a gunman opened fire in the theater. I won't go into all of the details, but I will tell you that I have never been so acutely aware of God's protection in my life. Sterling, Brittany and I all made it out of the theater unharmed, but forever changed. We had a new awareness of the fragility of life and just how quickly it can be taken away. We realized that no one is guaranteed "later." Despite what the indestructable attitude of youth tells you, time is a luxury.
(To see an interview with Sterling and I, going into greater detail about our experience and how the Lord has used it, click here: http://www.hourofpower.org/videos/detail.php?contentid=7594&programID=2224 . Our segment is about 15 minutes in.)
I attended trauma counseling after the tragedy and it was so helpful in working through all of the emotions that accompany an event like this one. There was, however, one question that I could not answer, "God, why did I go to that theater?"
THE CALL
After any brush with the reality of death–especially unexpected death–I'm convinced that we have a clearer view of life. Things that have no eternal value are minimized. We are returned to our factory settings–reprogrammed–more able to determine the things that truly matter. And so, it was in this state of having been "reset" that I finally had the courage to ask God what that nudge meant–what message had I managed to shut out? His answer was simple: "missions."
PHEW! All of that worry for nothing, right? I smiled and thought, "That's all, Lord? You just want me to go on a missions trip? I can do that. I will look up week long trips right now!"
So, I did something truly dangerous. I Googled.
Immediately the Adventures in Missions link showed up in my browser and I clicked. As I looked through the page, I saw "The World Race."
"That one," I felt the Lord say. I clicked again.
"11 countries in 11 months"
"No way, Lord! I have a job, an apartment, a dog, a boyfriend, A LIFE. I'm not leaving for a year. I won't do it!"
I closed the browser and mentally rejected the idea. It would be irresponsible! It would be career suicide! How could God ask me to do that?
As I have learned, the Lord is persistant. Try as I might, I could not forget about this missions trip. I began to read blogs, thinking, "I'm not going to go, but maybe I could support one. That will get God off of my back."
However, I knew, in my heart of hearts, that God didn't want my money. He wanted me–all of me–serving in the capacity that he requested.
I decided I was going to prove to God that I was a bad choice. I applied, "knowing" that I would never get through the application process because of my limited missions experience. Then, only mere days after my phone interview, I received a call from Adventures in Missions–application accepted.
Insert utter shock followed by complete freak out.
"Follow," the Lord said. "Go on an adventure with me," he prodded. I was certain I would throw up.
Thus, I launched a campaign to change God's mind. I'm in advertising. I can't help it.
Detailing every reason why I simply could not leave, I spent a day telling God that he was making an enormous mistake. I reminded him that it would be ungrateful to leave a job that so many other people would die for. I explained that I couldn't leave a dog that I had accepted responsibility for (what kind of a person would do that, Lord?). I passionately provided a dissertation on the good things I could do on the home front.
"Follow," the Lord repeated. "Go on an adventure with me."
"I'll go later, Lord," I countered. When I'm not so settled. When I have more courage. When I'm a better Christian. I'll go then!
And then, God delivered the kicker. "This is why you were in that theater." It all made perfect sense–a divine appointment, an unexpected tragedy, deliverence, an appreciation for now knowing there is no guarantee of later. I would have NEVER had the courage to ask God what he had been nudging me towards. I would have continued my 9-5 life, living in fear of pursuing more. I would have missed out on experiencing the kingdom–of being a part of bringing the Lord's love to the lost and forgotten.
THE JOURNEY
Once I decided to abandon my campaign to change God's mind and embrace the plan he set before me, I began to see how God had been preparing me for this moment for over a year, maybe longer. I'll explain some of this later. It has been amazing to see the journey he has brought me through and the growth that has led me here.
The nervousness has subsided now and the Lord has replaced it with excitement and joy. My relatives are in shock that I'm looking forward to a year of living out of a backpack (bye bye, closet!). They can not believe my enthusiasm for leaving the comforts we take for granted in the U.S. (I'm not exactly a "roughin' it" kind of a girl) And I am overjoyed, knowing that the events of the last year, some good and bad, have been leading to this.
If you feel God tugging on your heart, if you are a secret blog stalker (as I was), trying to silence that whisper to look for something greater, then I encourage you to prayerfully consider this adventure. Though it is tempting to tell God, "I'll go later," there is immense freedom in abandoning everything to obey him now.
