So I’ve had this question swirling in my head the last few weeks. It’s the type of question that isolates you and causes you to shrink back from the people around you. My question: what if I am the only one who does not love my ministry this month?
This month my team has been helping to teach at a school in Phnom Penh. We are working to teach preschool, english, and math to elementary-aged students. In case some of you don’t know, this is exactly what I was doing before going on the Race. I taught preschool 5 days a week 8 hrs a day for two years. The very thing that I ran away from because I knew it wasn’t my calling is the very ministry I ended up in this month.
It was hard because I wasn’t really able to use the things that I had learned while I was teaching, because well, English. Not speaking the same language as the kids was really hard because we were at the mercy of the teachers translating with their just passable english. I felt pretty useless for most of the month. And for me that was probably the hardest part.
But I looked around at my team who seemed to enjoy being with the kids and interacting with the teachers, and felt like I was the outsider looking in. I wasn’t excited to get up in the morning and get to school, in fact, any excuse to not have to go into a classroom was what I looked for each day. I longed for off days spent exploring the city by tuk tuk and drinking real coffee. I felt stuck and useless, pretty much the same feelings I had by the time I decided to leave teaching.
And as a note to future racers (or pretty much any human really), don’t look at social media and compare your life to the other people on your squad. Don’t look at how much everyone loves their ministry on Instagram and judge yourself for not loving yours like I did. Don’t allow yourself to feel like the only person in Cambodia who is not excited to be there.
That question of what if I’m the only one who doesn’t love my ministry rolled around in my head until I convinced myself that something must be wrong with me. I had gotten to the point where I just wanted to go home because that must be better than walking through each day not loving where I am at, especially if everyone else had the most amazing month.
I have found myself comparing my ministry each month to other people’s on the squad a lot over the last 8 months. I see people fall in love with ministries and hosts. I hear people gush about how amazing their time was in a particular country and how they had the best time ever. And I am sitting here thinking, must be nice. I haven’t fallen in love with a country or ministry on the Race. I haven’t found a new best friend in any country I have been to. And what God has taught me in all of this is that it’s alright.
I don’t have to fall in love with a ministry or country on the Race. I don’t have to worry about not falling in love with my month, even if everyone else does. My race is not won or lost by collecting Facebook friends. My Race has always been about me giving more of myself over to Jesus. I may be the only one who walks away from all of this without having the most amazing ministry experience ever, but I’m ok with that. In fact, what God has shown me in all of this is a confirmation in my calling.
My calling has always been to mobilize the American church into action and missions. I love mentoring and discipling people through missions and the experiences that come from stepping out of your comfort zone for Jesus. The Race has only confirmed in me the longing I have to use missions as a discipleship tool for reaching the lost generation around me. I want to walk with people through their Kingdom Journey so they can walk out the other side looking more like Christ. My calling is not in another country but in the U.S. It makes sense that I wouldn’t be falling in love with a ministry that I am not supposed to be a part of long-term.
I just may happen to be the only one who does not love their ministry any given month (I know that I’m not, and there are a lot in the same position that I am). But I also know that my race is not measured by the amount of months that I loved what I did. My race is not measured by having the most likes on an Instagram post about my day. My race is measured by how much I choose to rid myself of me and be filled by the holy spirit. My race is a success if I walk away looking more like Christ, not if I liked all 11 months.
