I didn’t really know what to expect moving home before the race. I haven’t really lived at home since I was in high school. My longest stretch being 2.5 months after I finished college and before moving to Texas. I forgot some of the things I love about being at home: the way that the country envelopes you in quietness and peace, the joy of seeing my parents more than once every 6 months, and the beauty that surrounds you in Michigan falls. But I also forgot that after 6 years away from this area that I don’t know anyone around here any more. I forgot that life is hard without community.
When you are alone with your thoughts day after day you start to spin stories. These stories can be anything from the plans you want to accomplish for the day (which will inevitably be disregarded for Netflix binge watching), or the 2 million reasons why you are going to fail miserably at the very thing you have set out to accomplish. The stories I have told myself about why I am going to fail at the World Race and why everyone will be friends with everyone else but me are numerous enough to write a book. But here’s the thing, I don’t want to write a book with these stories. I want to write a book full of the amazing things that God is doing and just how big, adventurous and loving that he is. Being out of community for the first time in a long time has left me with plenty of stories to spin and no one to help me walk through the web that I have weaved.
I love being home with my parents, I’ve missed them a lot over the last few years. But I have come to realize I am a mix of both my parents, and maybe not the best parts of them either. My mom is the worrier, if there is something to worry about she already knows about it and has worried enough for the both of us. My dad is Mr. Worse Case Scenario. He just needs to know what the worst that could happen is, and if he has a plan for that, then he is set for whatever comes his way. I am the one who worries all the time about the worse case scenario. Therefore, if the worst case scenario is death, I will worry constantly about dying and every possible way that I could die in that situation, and then create an even worse scenario (which are rarely even plausible) to worry about some more. My brain automatically goes to the worst thing that could happen and then I worry about it enough to make it seem like it will be my reality.
These traits mixed with a lack of physical community around me, has caused my brain to spin stories I’m embarrassed to even share with people because as soon as I say them out loud they sound crazy, but they are very, very real in my mind. So I am sitting at this point 3 weeks away from training camp feeling like my World Race is already doomed to failure. And I wish I knew why I feel like this. I wish I had the magic pill that could pull me out of my head and help me to see the reality in front of me. My reality is that I have seen God provide in ways I did not expect. I have a family who loves me enough to let me come home and live here for free, even at 24 years old. I have friends all over the world who are praying for me and love me for exactly who I am. And yet the stories spin more and more each day. I know I’m not the only one who is embarking on the World Race who has very real struggles with Depression and Anxiety, and yet at times it feels like I am. People present the very best of themselves online, in blogs, and group texts. I feel like my whole squad is so excited to be doing this and they are all hyper focused on God all the time. And here I am listening to Taylor Swift, writing down my heart because it feels too full most of the time. But I have faith that God is using this time to teach me more.
I don’t know what more is right now, but I’m happy to be home to watch the seasons change for the first time in 2 years. I love that I get to spend real time with my parents before I leave. And I’m happy that I get to sort through these feelings now, before I get on the field. The world inside my mind is a crazy roller coaster, and I have to learn how to navigate the twists and turns now. This ride is nothing new, I’ve been on it for the last 6+ years. But for once I would like to just be excited about something, and not have my mind find all of the reasons why it will fail. Pray that I would come to see more of God and less of myself. Pray that I will cultivate a real true excitement about the Race, one that my mind can’t talk myself out of. And finally, pray for all of A Squad because I know that I am not the only one who has big things to walk through before with launch in January.
