When I was chosen to be a squad leader I was so excited for what God would do through me and with me while I was on the field. I knew he would grow and stretch me, it’s a huge reason I said yes to leading B Squad. I just wasn’t prepared for the ugly things that God would reveal within me.
Pride. It’s ugly and divisive and not something I am happy to admit had found a corner of my heart to nestle into. It’s hard for me to admit that my pride had actually grown larger over the last few months, not smaller.
But God graciously already had a plan to reveal where my heart really was. During month 4 debrief in Zimbabwe a couple of weeks ago, we chose two people from the squad to take over the role of Squad Leader when Drew, my co-leader, and I leave the field. We take month 5 of the race to train them before we leave to go back to America ( which is only 2.5 weeks away, WHAT!!!).
As we were training Chelsea and Lindsey, the new Squad Leaders, I started to find myself getting annoyed at the mention of them taking over the squad. I felt like I was just getting left behind in the dust, that I no longer had a reason to even be on the field. It was in that moment that I realized I have really enjoyed being the leader, the one people turn to, the one on the inside. I had entangled my role with my identity a little too much.
I have spent every moment of the last 125 days consumed with B Squad. Suddenly, I’m not really needed anymore. That hurts my ego. Which means I’m exactly where I need to be. I’ve allowed my pride to be fed by being the person people turn to for advice, questions, and direction. I’ve gotten a little too important in my own eyes, and it’s time for me to kill the beast that I have been inadvertently feeding over the last 4 months.
It’s painful and humbling to admit that pride has once again roared its ugly head. I’m a little embarrassed by the way I feel when people seem happy that I’m leaving the field. I know people are excited to see how the squad will lead themselves when they are alone on the field, but I want them to mourn or make a big deal that I’m leaving. I want to be told how great a job I did. How ugly is that? I want my ego fed, but daily I have to crucify the pride that has shown itself.
Daily I have to rest in the true identity as a daughter that I have been given. It’s the only way to crucify my pride and bring myself back to the truth. The truth is that I am loved beyond anything I could even imagine, even if no one on the squad acknowledges me in any way. The truth is that I have purpose, provision, and security even without a role or title. The truth is that I have loved this squad to the best of my ability, being fully myself, and I can stand on that.
I’m thankful for a God who loves me enough to call me higher, to reveal the ugly things within, and walk with me as I learn to rest secure in who he says I am. I’m thankful for every opportunity I’m given to be reminded that my ego must be crucified.
So, B Squad, I repent of my pride. I repent of the moments that I didn’t let you lead yourselves because I needed my ego fed. I repent of having my ego come before serving you. I love y’all so much, thank you for helping me look more like a daughter.
