When I said yes to squad leading I had grand plans in my mind about how my time in-between training camp and launch would go. It would be a perfect mix of investing in my squad, fundraising, and rest. I really should know by now that my perfectly laid plans always go anything but perfect. In fact, with everything I’ve learned this summer, I should know that perfection is but an unreachable illusion. Yet as I drove the 12 hours home from Georgia, my mind played out what my 3.5 weeks at home would look like.
I’ve been home in Michigan for just over a week and a half, and I’ve some how been shocked that things haven’t gone exactly how I planned in my head. The shame and perfectionism that I laid down on the altar time and again this summer are back rearing their ugly head. I have little motivation to do the very things I know I should to prepare myself for leaving. I feel bogged down with appointments, shoulds, and the never-ending to-do list. My perfectly laid plans have gone out with the waves as I sit in the boat between shores.
My coaches for this season, Ron and Darla, are amazing people. They speak truth freely, and shared such a poignant and true image with my leadership team. They talked about how they felt that they were floating out in the waves between the shore of where they were and where they are going. This picture has stuck with me, because it so perfectly explains where I am, and reminds me that where I am is not a permanent place. I am between CGA and squad leading, between training camp and launch, between waiting and living out my dreams.
When you are in the waves, you don’t get to follow the perfectly laid plans. You go where the waves lead, but all the while keeping onward to the other shore. I wanted to come home, perfectly live out all that I learned and worked on this summer, and then leave as perfectly prepared as possible. But life is a process, and while you are floating in the in-between, you can’t do perfect. If I try to spend this time doing exactly what I think I should be doing to be a perfect squad leader, I will never understand the lessons God is trying to show me in the waves. I will drive myself mad trying to keep the boat straight and on path when it was never meant to sail that way.
I’m learning that God has gifted me with times of in-between. He has graciously handed me periods of waiting. They are the simple gift and reminder that I can depend on him alone. I don’t need the people, the programs, or excitement that I so often attach to growth and depth with Him. In the in-between it’s simply me and Jesus in the boat. I have the commander of the wind and the waves on my side, so I will only go where He is leading. I don’t have to fear that the waves take me away from my destination, I don’t have to fear that I won’t live out the perfect. I can allow the waves to come. I can simply be daughter, and He is the one who gets us to the other side.
So as my time continues in the in-between, I will allow waves to come and throw me off perfect, and closer to Father. I will just be me.
As I prepare to head out to the field again I need your help getting there. I need to raise $6,500 for this journey with B Squad. They are amazing, and point me closer to Jesus everyday. If you are interested in joining me on this journey click on the support tab on the left to donate, or join me in prayer for myself and B Squad.
