It’s taken me a while to write this blog. This isn’t my first time adjusting to being back in America. I have spent close to 21 months living outside of the US since I started traveling back in college. But the transition home doesn’t really get any easier, no matter how many times I do it.
I had high hopes for this time around. After all, I was only gone for 5 months and have transitioned off of the race before. It had to be easier this time, right? Wrong. Yes, I didn’t have to transition right into the holiday season like I did when I came back from my original race, and yes, I felt myself adjusting back into American culture without much difficulty. But, the transition from living out my dreams to sitting at home without much to do was exactly the same.
The hard part is going from having jam-packed days, full of ministry, community, adventure, and life, to having so much free time that I don’t really know what to do with it all. Add in the fact that I haven’t had a real, steady, job in close to 3 years (read:no money), and you have a recipe for endless Netflix watching and a lot of time to stress out about what I need to do next.
But what if I don’t know what to do next? What if I have a heart full of dreams and passions and not a clue about what to do with them? I have lived fully over the last 2 years and I wouldn’t change a single choice I have made, but now my life looks so different from my peers that I’m not sure what the next step should look like. I don’t have role models around me that are choosing to live a life that is so unconventional, transient, and driven by the spirit.
I feel this cultural pressure to make money; to get a job that I hate to make money until I figure out someday far off in the future what I want to actually do. To take risks after I have stability and some sort of foundation to stand on. After all, I’m 27, which means I’m starting to pass the age where it’s acceptable to not have a plan for your life, or a “real” job. I’m supposed to be beginning the process of settling down and carving a life for myself somewhere.
When I’m on the field I don’t feel these pressures because I know in my spirit that I am exactly where I need to be. But, I know that I haven’t been called to be a full-time missionary. There comes a point when I have to take risks to fulfill my passions. There comes a time when I have to ignore everyone around me, even the voices inside vying for my attention, and hear what God has to say. That’s the hardest part about transitioning back.
The hardest part isn’t culture shock, or a sudden lack of community, it’s having just experienced a way of life that is so different than how most Americans live, and trying to quiet all the voices to figure out how to take all that you’ve learned and turn it into a life. Because it’s not really about those months you’ve been gone, it’s about what comes after. It’s about what happens now that you’ve seen the beauty of a life lived in surrender to Jesus. And I for one, want to live a life that is beautiful.
