Last week, our squad went to a conference called Awakening. It is organized by Adventures in Missions, but somewhat self governed by all the squads that attend. Our squad, along with three others out on the field, came together for a couple days. To pour into one another, to share what the Lord has taught us, and to hear from one of the men that actually helped start the World Race.
There are a lot of nuggets of truth I could share with you, but I’m just going to focus on my main takeaway.
If you’ve kept up with my blogs, you might have read one about being asked a couple months ago to squad lead for the rest of the Race (if not, check out my blog called You Want Me to do What?)
What you might not know, is how much I struggled with it in the beginning. Something I wrote in my first blog sums up the reality of what has actually transpired.
“I’m intimidated. I’m not that confident. I don’t fully understand why I’m in this position.
But I’m also super humbled and honored. I’m eager to take this role on, even though I have no idea what I’m doing. This is my new season of the Race, and I’m excited (and terrified) to see what the Lord has for me and for B Squad.”
After posting that, I continued in intimidation, lack of confidence, and not understanding why on earth the Lord chose me. I even walked through a stage where I thought they chose me because I had more room for growth, and leadership could facilitate that growth. Don’t get me wrong, I know that is true. There are so many things that the Lord is using this role to grow me in. However, the lie I believed was that the leadership team saw more room for growth than leadership qualities. I genuinely believed that was the why.
As time has passed, I’ve grown in confidence little by little. I’m choosing to believe that the Lord purposefully put me where I am.
Coming into the conference, I didn’t know what to expect. I was excited to meet other squads and take a break, honestly. Per usual, the Lord had more.
On the last full day of Awakening, we had a women’s breakout. The speaker challenged us to ask the Lord who we are. Our identity in Him. So, reluctantly, I asked the Lord and sat still. He told me multiple things. One by one, thoughts came to mind that I knew weren’t my own. And then an unexpected one popped into my head.
You are a leader.
I KNEW that wasn’t my thought. Nothing like that would come from me, because I didn’t believe it.
And from there, He started to remind me of all the other times I’ve been in leadership. A captain of the high school softball team, a leader in Fellowship of Christian Athletes in college, a leader in Oak Hills College Life.
It caught me off guard, actually. It never occurred to me that I’ve been in leadership roles before. That might sound weird, but it truly didn’t. Why? I realized those roles, although they were real, weren’t near as significant and weighty as this one. Practically or spiritually. Regardless, I’d been put in those roles, weighty or not. There was some significance to that truth.
I left that break out and went straight to our squad leader dinner with Andrew Shearman, the keynote speaker at Awakening, and one of the original creators of the World Race. One of the squad mentors asked him a question.
“These squad leaders are leading their peers. What is your advice on how to lead someone the same age or potentially older than them?”
His answer? “Well, either you’re a leader or you’re not. You either have leadership or you don’t. Do you all believe you have a gift of leadership?”
Ahh, so incredibly simple.
After dinner, we went and worshipped with all the squads. For some reason, irritation set in. I was annoyed at God, honestly.
Okay, either I have leadership or I don’t. But what if I don’t want it? I don’t want it.
Frustration set in. I just didn’t want it. Tears fell down my face. And I still don’t fully know why. I think the realization that I am qualified forced me to shift into a lack of desire for it. Another diversion.
I then talked to a squad mate, Dani, that night after session. I had briefly mentioned how the Lord was speaking to me about leadership, and she told me she had been wanting to talk to me. She told me how much growth in confidence she had seen in me since the beginning. Another affirmation from the Lord.
A couple days later, after we had all gone back to our ministries, I caught up on my journal entries. I’ve been documenting every single day of the Race. For those that don’t know, I have amazing humans in my life back home that wrote individual notes to me throughout the entire journal. I’m not supposed to read them until I get to that page.
I arrived on the page of a dear friend of mine. One that I’ve accidentally opened to before and wanted so badly to read before it was due. But, I’m so glad I didn’t. The note had many things in it. Reminders of hurt that we’ve both shared with each other in our friendship. A reminder that our friendship was a gradual, beautiful growth that has become an amazing, genuine friendship.
Toward the end, though, she wrote a sentence that literally had tears streaming down my face.
“I really believe that you are one with an anointing for leadership. And that anointing, when it comes, will be undeniable because it isn’t one that will come out of selfish ambition. I can’t wait for that for you because I know how powerful the glory of the Father will be displayed.”
Holy moly. Another affirmation from the Lord.
So, I will choose to walk in confidence that the Lord has already given me in Him. I will choose to stop comparing myself to other people who I want to believe should have been where I’m standing. I will choose to be full of Holy Spirit and let Him ultimately lead our squad.
At this point, I can’t even deny it anymore. I am a leader.
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