Tears filled my eyes multiple times. Partly in hopeful expectation, but more so out of frustration. What I somewhat expected to happen, was happening.
My teammate Ethan told the team that while him and Zach were walking back up the hill to the hostel, that they had stumbled upon a disability group that meets near the shops that sell carved wood and paintings. As soon as he met them, he immediately asked if he could come speak to them the next time they planned to meet.
You could see and hear the excitement in his voice and demeanor. He was pumped. That is totally his heart, to not only to see people give their lives to Jesus, but to also pray healing over them. He has been part of some crazy stories in the past where God healed people of things that just don’t seem possible outside of the Bible stories we read. But, he has prayed and seen it with his own two eyes, and he was hopeful and really excited to see it again.
He talked about how he expected to see radical healings. Healings that could stir a revival in Nkhata Bay, Malawi. He talked about the type of disabilities some of the people had. They were external disabilities. If they were to be healed, we’d physically see it for most of them. People who were wheelchair bound, people who walked with a limp since birth, multiple people who were deaf, and many others.
As I heard Ethan talk about it a handful of times over the course of the week, I was unsure how I felt. I’ve heard stories of radical healing. Lots of stories. My teammate was even healed at training camp. I just wasn’t there to see it.
In spite of the stories, healing honestly still feels taboo to me. And at the same time, I am fully aware that it is possible. I know God is more than capable of doing literally anything. However, I catch myself thinking that I’ve only read it in the Bible.
I read the book of John this month. While reading each chapter, I read it asking a simple question. Who is Jesus? Let me tell you, Jesus is miraculous. He’s supernatural. He’s a provider. He gives in abundance. He’s the ultimate healer.
Yet here I am, questioning Him as the day drew bear to pray healing over these people. Will He actually do it? I kinda didn’t think so, actually.
Ethan started the time we had with them by introducing Jesus. He shared the gospel and asked if anyone was willing to accept Him as their Savior. Multiple people did and prayed to accept Him! It was great, but I was still anticipating what was to come next.
Ethan spoke about how Jesus healed, and he offered for anyone to come up for us to pray for them. They were definitely willing. One by one, people came up for prayer. We laid hands on almost every human in that room.
After praying, we would ask each person if it was better or the same. For people with internal pain or disabilities, they would almost always nod “yes”. Just one. As if they weren’t really sure what we were asking through the language barrier and translation. My heart sank in doubt with every nod.
There was one woman who had pain in her knees and lower legs. When she walked back to her seat on the ground, she did a vibrant kick with a bright smile on her face. I laughed and clapped for her. That one felt real.
For the others with external disabilities, we would pray multiple times, expectant of a change. The leader of the group, Benson, hadn’t walked since birth. Ethan told him the story where Jesus commands a man who couldn’t walk, to stand up and walk. At which point the man in the story got up and walked.
Ethan continued by saying, “In Jesus name, stand up and walk.” He grabbed Benson’s hands and pulled him up from the ground. He couldn’t do it, sitting back down. Ethan prayed two more times, but Benson never stood.
With every prayer that felt like it was floating in the sky aimlessly, tears would well up in my eyes. I was frustrated. I kept asking with God to show up. Just show up.
Why are we doing this? Why aren’t you healing them, God? I know you can, so why aren’t You?
I left that room feeling defeated, wondering what just happened. Or lack of what happened, rather.
Our team debriefed it later that night. Ethan asked how we all felt about it. I started by sharing my blunt thoughts of frustration. Another teammate was kind of on the same page as me, wondering why He didn’t heal people. I even questioned at one point if it could have been because of my slight doubt in what would happen.
Turns out that the rest of my team was all encouraged by our team coming together in boldness and praying for all those people. That was even harder to hear. Cool, I’m the only one who feels like this. Awesome. Glad you’re all satisfied and encouraged.
Lindsey, our squad leader, pushed back on my frustration. She challenged why I thought some of those people weren’t healed. Who’s to say their nods weren’t truth? She celebrated the fact that people accepted Jesus. She reminded us of the one person we were confident was healed. “Who’s to say she isn’t the one that goes through town starting a revival?” She ended by asking me: “Even though God didn’t show up the way you thought, do you believe that He is still good?”
I immediately answered. “Yes, I know He’s still good. I just don’t understand Him in these moments.”
And that’s the honest truth. I don’t understand why He didn’t heal some of those people. And He might of healed a lot of them, and I’ll never know. But God is still so, so good.
Why did I let the Enemy let me dwell on an unmet expectation that I had? A true miracle did happen that day. God did show up. People accepted Jesus. More people entered the Kingdom, y’all. THAT, is what matters. Praise Him for a bigger family entering the Kingdom.
If I never see a person healed, He is still good.
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