All my life, I have taken pride in the illusion of perfection I was able to create: high standardized test scores, great grades, and pretty much a well-rounded over achiever. I categorized the years of my life by my achievements. At a young age, I was so consumed by this idea of perfection that when we took eye tests in middle school, I would make sure to walk past the Snellen chart hanging in office numerous times in order to memorize the last few rows before my homeroom was called because I didn't want to admit I needed glasses. In fact, I am still so plagued by perfectionism that I looked up what the technical name for an eye chart was in order to sound more educated, even though "Snellen" in no way sounds more educated.
I assumed that my obsession with perfectionism was merely reflective of my high standards, always ensuring I put my full effort into everything I did. I continually made excuses for how it was controlling my life, justifying my neurotic behavior as simply striving to be the best version of myself.
But it is so much more than that.
Perfectionism is a disease. My high standards became contorted into maladaptive behavior. It got to the point where I needed to be the best at everything to be worth anything. My every thought and every move was fixated on crafting this illusion that I did not make mistakes. I lived to hear compliments and thrived on people telling me they didn't know how I accomplished so much in a day. I would push myself to limits that were frankly unhealthy.
And although this is a legitimate reason for concern, my exhausting life style is not what scares me the most.
What scares me the most is that I am limiting my life because I am paralyzed by the idea of failure. If I don't have a 99% chance of succeeding with the task at hand, it is not a risk I am willing to take. There have been so many things that I have wanted to try, but I immediately written it off because I might be bad at it. I am so convinced that people will lose respect for me the first time I epically fail at something that I have to be 100% all the time.
So where does this leave me?
It leaves me continually sabotaging myself, getting hung up on every single mistake I make. It leaves me instilling my value in the distorted way I perceive people are perceiving me, looking for validation of my worth from those around me. It leaves me hiding behind a mask of myself, fearing that if I expose my weaknesses I will lose those closest to me. It leaves me confined in a box that I refuse to step outside of because I might fail. But mostly, it leaves me empty.
I wish this blog could be a miraculous story where I had a revelation of my true identity–the one I know to be true about others but still cannot believe about myself.
But this isn't a story with a "happily ever after". Like any other disease, it takes treatment. But with perfectionism, there isn't just some medicine I can take. I have to root myself in scripture and focus on the truths of my identity of who God created me to be.
I am confident that God will perfect the work He has begun in me. (Philippians 1:6)
I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)
I have been established, anointed and sealed by God. (2 Corinthians 1:21-22)
I have been shown the incomparable riches of God's grace. (Ephesians 2:7)
I can have a new attitude and a new lifestyle. (Ephesians 4:17)
Perfectionism will be something I struggle with my entire life and something I have to actively fight against. But, I am not in this fight alone. I have an amazing God who provides unconditional love.
