For the first time since this whole World Race journey started, I'm really "feeling the feels," as my friend would say. But with Training Camp just two and a half weeks away, I suppose a little meltdown was in order.
I just returned from a wonderful week in Guatemala where my friends and I loved, and were loved, in ways that stretched us all. Guatemala has become one of my favorite places over the past few years. It's been a place of great transformation for me, and pieces of my heart are scattered all over the beautiful country I've grown to love so deeply.
And right now I'm pretty heartbroken.
You see, before I decided to pursue this wild and crazy adventure that is the World Race, I was planning to move to Guatemala. But I began to feel more and more strongly that it wasn't the right next step for me. I still believe that I made the right decision, but leaving this last time was extremely painful and caused me to doubt myself. While walking down the streets of Pana, I felt normal. I envisioned myself taking evening jogs over the bridge to Jucanya… Buying freshly-squeezed orange juice from the lady on the sidewalk… Drinking a beer with new friends at Pana Rock. I could see it all so clearly. This "perfect" life I had dreamed of for the past three years seemed plausible. It seemed like it was within reach. And as my friends said, "See ya in October," I panicked. When WILL I see Guatemala again?
And then the fog came.
Because I didn't choose that path… at least not right now. So these hopes and dreams that once filled me with joy suddenly filled me with hurt and sadness and loneliness. And then I got mad at God. Like REALLY mad. Why would you put these desires in my heart and then pull me away? Why do you let me love so hard that it hurts?!
Guatemala, while technically foreign, has never felt all that foreign to me. It’s comfortable. It’s easy. And that’s what I so desperately long for. But I know that during this season of my life, I need to be taken out of my comfort zone in order to grow. I need to get away from everything easy and familiar, so when there’s nothing comfortable to grab a hold of, maybe I'll finally learn to cling to God.
And He whispered, "Don't you think I want you to be happy? Don't you think I know what's best for you?"
And then, in one of those quiet yet powerful ways, He said, "It's ok to love until it hurts."
Ugh.
I've always loved really hard. And as a result, I've always had a really difficult time with goodbyes. People can call them "see ya laters" if they want, but I've lived long enough to know that when people move away or even just leave for a season, it feels way more like a goodbye than a see you later. Life happens. Things change. People grow apart. And it hurts.
So I'm beginning to see how difficult it's going to be to leave each country I go to this next year. It will be very tempting to avoid building relationships with people when I know I'll be leaving just a month later – potentially never seeing them again. But I don't want to do that. I want to love the only way I know how…. with every piece of my soul.
Because what's the alternative?
The alternative is to hold back pieces of our hearts that are meant to be shared. The alternative is to close ourselves off from the people we encounter, destroying the opportunity for connection and growth. The alternative is to deny the world access to the beautiful people God created us to be. And that's sad. The reality that some people are so afraid of being hurt that they never love anyone is really, really sad.
So as hard as it will be, I will aim to love until it hurts. Because I'd rather look back and miss my dear friends all over the globe than to look back and realize I missed out on the opportunity to make them in the first place. And ultimately I know that when I am weak, He is strong. And where I hurt, He will heal.
Guatemala, until we meet again. And believe me, we WILL meet again.
Asia, Africa, and Europe, you terrify me. But I know you will capture my heart.
"Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause."
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TRAINING CAMP IS IN 17 DAYS! Pa;lkwjecipah;lk’zjna;liuahvpaserkl;ajsdj;c!!
