I remember walking into a church. I walked in and all the walls where one plain cream pasty color and to be
honest it looked like a funeral home… Actually the whole place FELT like a funeral home. As I began to look at the
people, there was not many kids, not many teenagers. It was mainly all adults. What kind of church doesn’t even
have anything for the young people? When I walked into the “sanctuary” all I felt were ice chills because all eyes
were one me. I silently thought to myself what am I doing in a place like this as I plopped down in the creaky old
church pew. No one said hi, no one did the half smile thing, Once worship started the lady at the organ started
pounding away, her hair going back and forth with each bob of the head in rhythm to those hands playing the
keys, and I wondered if the hair was even real at times… But as the organ played, and the singers sang loudly
and off pitch trying to out harmonize each other there was no hunger for God it was an all you can sing
entertainment showdown. I mean they were in such a routine that by me walking in those doors made them so
uncomfortable because I was something new in there precious, sacred building. You could tell when they
“worshiped” there was nothing changed in the heart, there was nothing changed in the atmosphere!
They were giving their lives up for religion, blinded in thinking they were getting closer to God by gathering in jus
t a building, and showing God what they could do.
I was reminded of this moment when i was sitting on my bed last night. Honestly I feel like I have not given God
all I have. I feel like there is something missing. I can play the part oh so well! I can sing all the worship songs in
the world and feel so much emotion, and feel so overwhelmed, that sometimes I forget the whole reason I am
worshiping , Just resting in His presence. Sometimes I take this really sweet moment and make it something like
a nightmare because I wanna talk way more then I should and not listen to His sweet voice. I continue to say,
“ God, this is it! I’m serious this time! I will go wherever you want me to go God.” Then I think back to those
ridiculous moments and think did I ever actually let Him speak to me, or was it just letting my emotions get the
best of me! To those moments I did let Him lead. I remember the beautiful seasons that followed that obedience.
To those moments where I “missed” it, where I “thought” I heard Him say Go, only brought much more pain,
heartbreak and a learning moment that I would never forget. Last night was different… I was sitting there…
Silent… Well almost silent, I am pretty sure there was a cricket right next to the window that needs this life
lesson,with all the noise it was making, but on a more serious note Sitting silent… letting God see the real
heartache, the brokenness that was inside, the overwhelming thoughts, my struggles, my insecurities of the
upcoming season that is quickly approaching. ( let’s be real here, He obviously already knew everything… He was
just looking for my pride walls to come down and vulnerability to move in) Dont get me wrong I am so excited for
this season that is just 7-8 months away! I can’t wait to see all the ways that He will use me and my team.
But the thing that I learned that I was missing was God had called me to go and why did I still fight the feeling
that I want to stay. Why did I still question what God was telling me to do. Can I be honest and real, I was so
scared. As soon as I hit the submit button to my application and heard the little ding I was like what did I just do!
But the thing is I am called to go, I may not see clearly all the reason why I am called to go, the only thing I do
know is clear is that God is simply nudging saying “Lets do this, you and me, We got it, together”TOGETHER! I
realized I was not doing this alone, as much as i heard people tell me this is a big step to do alone, all the
fundraising, trying to get support etc. Truth is I am not doing this alone! God is providing each step, I just have to
continue to trust him. I think the greatest part is HE already knows the outcome, He already knows what the
journey is going to look like, and this is my cue to follow blindly, to hold on tight to the beautiful ride that is about
to come.
When i was little girl, and it was snowy winters my dad would walk in the snow to start the car, before my mom,
brother and myself got out there. I used to run outside and hop in his footprints so i would not get snow all over.
I think its gonna be kinda like that, He’s already made the path, I get to jump right in those footprints and
embrace every single step that He is leading. I wont be walking out of his footsteps.
