So I’ve decided it is time to tell my story of how I got HERE. How I went from nursing school orientation to training camp for the WR in a week. I have tried to make this a short version of everything that has put me into this place. Some details are left out, but the big picture is still there.
I fell in love with everything that comes with and surrounds a mission trip at fourteen years old. The community of people you built and felt was addicting. The different cultures, sights and smells were mesmerizing. Looking into the eyes of something across the world and knowing they appreciate you was humbling. Everything about it – I wanted. I heard about the race years ago and the idea never really left my heart.
For the next couple of years I stayed passionate about missions and participated in at least one trip a year, sometimes more. That love took me to Honduras where I got the experience to serve with all three of my sisters and dad. It took me to Maniwaki where I built relationships, loved on kids and spoke horrible French for three years. Then more recently, that love took me back to Ghana – where it all originally started.
I knew going into the trip in May that I NEEDED it. I needed something to shake me, I needed something to break my heart because I was quickly pushing Jesus further and further away. After three-ish days (in Ghana) of seeing absolute poverty, sick and malnourished babies and an overwhelming sense of pain, I felt nothing. I looked at the pain and suffering around me and simply had no emotions.
I wrote in my journal on May 29th, “…and the day was good, but sadly I have felt so numb here. Numb to the people and the heartbreak that is standing or sitting right in front of me.”
The next week I spent crying and asking God why am I so NUMB. Why is my heart so hard to your hurting children? It was five days later that Jesus painted a picture for me. It was me standing and smiling with my arm sticking straight out. God was at my hand, basically I was keeping God at an arm’s length distance away from me. He could see me, but He couldn’t touch me. I could hear if He shouted, I knew He was there but I very easily could keep Him out of my field of vision. With that image, He also showed me what I was keeping in that distance between us. The distance held people, habits and things I found necessary.
To say I got rid of everything that I was holding in that distance the moment I was back on American soil would be a lie, but I quickly did away with some of the big ones and WOW did God move into that new and open space. Calling me deeper everyday while giving me a sense of longing for Him only.
June 5th I got accepted into nursing school (woop woop go me!!) and although I was excited at first, I felt off about the whole situation. I wanted more of Jesus, I wanted life and life to the full, which I knew I was not going to find sitting in a class room.
Disclaimer:: please know I fully support education and intend on finishing my degree once I return to America #govols
The Race kept being dropped in my lap the entire month of June and by early July I threw caution to the wind and applied. I honestly did not think I would get accepted, but I went with it anyways. My prayer the entire process was for Jesus to open doors that He wants open. I needed Him to make the process stupid easy, because I knew the first sign of struggle I would count it a defeat. As a person, I need a lot of encouragement and love from those around me. I am extremely hard on myself and rarely believe in my abilities. I needed Jesus to pave this path a mile wide and fifty miles long for me to believe in it, and He surely did. I got accepted into the race and everything seemed to simply fall into place perfectly. I got my apartment lease covered in less than a week. I told my college I would not be attending in the fall and they wished me luck and told me to reapply for next fall. My sister let me borrow all her camping gear for training camp (which I had 10 days to prepare for) so I didn’t have that stress on me. My entire family supported me, and my freaking amazing dad paid the first $5,000 himself.
I do not have a single doubt in my body, mind or spirit regarding the decision I have made to leave my entire world and boldly chase after my Heavenly Father. He has been more persistent in the past few months than I can even explain. I am excited and low key nauseous at the idea of leaving home. I am excited for Jesus to break my heart in more ways than I can imagine. I am excited for the friendships I will make along the way. I am excited to live on mission, not on a mission trip. I am excited to meet future Lindsey. Will I still moisturize religiously?? (updates to come)
I am thankful for this opportunity. I am thankful for my family and friends supporting me. I am thankful for how much I have changed in the past months. I am thankful that mission trips don’t save me, but Jesus does. I am thankful the veil was torn in two and that I can boldly approach the throne. I am thankful for salvation.
If you have any questions for me or want to hear every detail of my story, please contact me!! I am home for another 30 something days and then I’m gone!!!!!
much love,
linds
