Apparently, I have a pride problem.
This actually does not surprise me when I sit down and really think about myself. My entire life I have been so consumed with labels, titles and material things. When I was younger I would cry when I didn’t like the brand of my clothes or shoes. Ask my mom and dad, I’m sure they remember. Confession:: I am an extremely label conscious person! And growing up in a private school where majority of people are fairly wealthy did not help that obsession with brands. It fed into an insecurity and overall unhealthy life style.
In my head, wearing shoes that cost $100 more dollars than a knock off brand are automatically 100x better. They make me 100x prettier, they make me 100x more accepted and people are 100x more likely to notice me.
But all at the same time, I was so incredibly insecure behind that Ralph Lauren polo and apple computer screen.
About a month ago the word pride kept sticking out to me and kind of ringing in my ears. I always thought pride was being cocky and full of yourself. I asked the question, “how can I be prideful while also being insecure?” A pretty valid question, right? I automatically assumed because I was insecure I could not struggle with pride… But pride is tricky and it manifests itself in a million different ways.
Come to find, I actually have pride in my insecurities. I find pride (and my identity) in being this difficult, unlovable person. I make sure everyone around me knows I’m “difficult” and “hard to love” regardless of if they ask or not.
I also have pride in every material thing I own or are at least is associated with me. From the brand of my world race gear to the Ford truck my dad drives to work. I have pride in my last name and how healthy my hair is no matter how much heat I put on it. Literally anything of the world, I have pride in it. I am so dang proud of it all.
I don’t say all of this to let everyone know a secret struggle that I’ve had for nearly my entire life, but to challenge you and to let you know something I’m walking through right now.
How would my life (and your life) look differently if I found pride in the Lord? What if I found pride in what the Lord calls me and how much he loves me? How different would my life look if I walked into a room confident ((not because of the price of my shoes)) but because the Lord calls me chosen, holy and an hier.
That is where I want to find myself, prideful in the Lord and his creation. I want to walk in the same confidence wearing a trash bag to prom as I would wearing a $500 dress. I want to walk in the same freedom and confidence as a single twenty year old girl as I would if I had a man on my side and a rock on my finger. I am over having my outward appearance and possessions inflate and deflate my confidence and security. I am ready for the Lord to be the pure source of my joy and pride. I want my confidence and identity to be so grounded in Jesus that nothing can change what I know to be truth.
Honestly, I don’t know if any of this makes sense to anyone but myself. But I felt like it was something I needed to share with the world for the sake of vulnerability and truth. My prayer is that you maybe consider what the Lord is speaking over your next season of life. Ask the hard questions about where in your life are you finding pride in things other than the Lord?
Thank you so much for all the love and support going into this last stretch of the race!
Linds
