I’m not quite sure what I’m feeling these days, to
be perfectly honest. Some moments
I want to be nowhere but home, I don’t want to see, hear, smell, or even think
about any of my teammates. I just
want to be in a place where I can be ALONE. Not just in a room by myself, which on the rarest of
occasions does happen, but in a room that is set apart for me, where I can say
I just need to be in here by myself and not have to worry that I’d
inconvenience someone because of it. (Wow, that sounds more selfish even as I write it out, but for this
moment that’s what I’m feeling.) The Race doesn’t make you some sort of
uber-Christian, it doesn’t make you perfect, in fact the Race has shown me just
how far from perfection I am, how far from being the Christ-like daughter of
God that (most of the time) I desire to be. In saying all these things I do realize how incredible of a
gift this time has been, and I know that I will want these days back. I’ve learned more in this year about my
God and about myself than I ever thought possible. So I’ll share a couple of the ways I’ve been changed this year.
A huge part of what I’ve learned on the Race has
been to see how what I say and do affect others. My words, for whatever reason, have power. Power to bring life to situations or
power to bring death.
Death and life are in
the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. -Proverbs
18:21
I’m sarcastic, sometimes overly so, and because of
this I’ve hurt people. I’ve said
things that I thought would be obvious that I didn’t mean, but then later found
out that people believed those things that I said about them.
There is one whose
rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. -Proverbs
12:18
It’s
a tough place to be, realizing that a huge part of who you believe you are (I
had used sarcasm to define my personality for far too long) is hurtful to some
of the people you care about most.
So over these past ten months and counting, the Lord has changed my
heart and my words, I think about what I say before I say it, I try to speak
encouragement over people instead of making silly comments to try and be
funny. I want to be someone who
loves people well, who shows people who Jesus is through the way I speak. Words are powerful and through the Race
I’ve learned that when I speak people tend to take those words to heart, so I
want those words to be full of love, compassion, encouragement, and most of all
truth.
A gentle tongue is a
tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. -Proverbs 15:4
A second, and possibly more significant truth that
I’ve learned is that our God is a good Father who desires to give His children
good gifts. I don’t think I really
understood this concept pre-Race.
I saw God as a Father, sure, but as a Father I needed to impress with
how much work I could do for His Kingdom.
How well I was using the gifts He had given me, how good I was at
helping people. I felt like I
needed to convince God that I was good enough to be a Christian, good enough to
be His daughter. But this Race has
BROKEN that in me. I see that no
matter where I fall on the good daughter scale He has the same amount of grace
and mercy for me, the same amount of love and pride in His creation. He has created me to be the person I
am, and He is constantly working in me to bring me closer to His heart. So yea, I’m going to fail, I’m going to
say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, want the wrong thing, but at the end
of the day God knows the desires of my heart and wants to give me those things
when they bring glory to His Kingdom.
Or which of you, if
his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish,
will give him a serpent? If you
then who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more
will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him. -Matthew
7:9-11
So we can’t be good enough to deserve the grace of
our Father, but we can desire to glorify His name because of it. So that’s what
I want my life to be, a reflection of His love and an outpouring of the gifts
He has blessed me with.
Delight yourself in
the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
Delight is such a cool word, its so rich and
deep. I want that to be exactly
how I see the grace, love, and mercy of my Father. It is RICH and DEEP.
I don’t
want to go back to what I was before even if I’m where I was before. I don’t want to forget the incredible
lessons I’ve learned while on the Race. But mostly I don’t want to forget that
I have so much more to see, to hear, to learn, and to enjoy about this world
and my Father who created it.
