Okay there was this one time that I wrote a blog about how God broke my heart and I was excited and ready to see what changes He would be working in me. Well He isn’t playing around, right down to business we go. So remember when I told you about a couple of the other girls and I being responsible for feeding people? I got a smidge overwhelmed and told my team that I was feeling frustrated with the whole situation. Because of this I was banned from the kitchen in all capacities. If I needed anything from the kitchen I had to ask one of my teammates to get it for me, not my best day. I was preoccupied for most of the day thinking about how I could go through the day with asking for the least amount of things possible. I didn’t eat breakfast because I wouldn’t ask anyone to get it for me, I was really rude to a teammate when they asked if I needed something (and I did, which killed me inside) and just said “no” and walked away. I felt helpless, useless, and not in control. All of my least favorite things to feel happened all at the same time.
So as I was sitting in my bed after shoveling dirt for a few hours (which I honestly think helped me to vent some of my frustrations, thanks dirt) I did yet another of my least favorite things…I cried about it. More specifically I cried to Amanda about it and then later during team time I had to discuss it all over again with my teammates. Not only did this exercise make me realize how much I need to let go of the control I think I have over my life (I couldn’t ask someone to fix me a bowl of cereal, seriously?) but it made me realize how hard it is for me to be vulnerable, to need/want help, to even talk about needing help. This is in one of the safest places imaginable surrounded by people who love me and were FORCING me to ask for their help, and I STILL couldn’t do it.
God has a lot of work to do in me and He is using the situations and people around me in incredible ways to accomplish this. I’m trying SO SO SO hard to let people see all the crazy that goes on in my head, and its hard. I don’t like being the person with the problems, I like being the person with the solutions, with the comfort, with the ways to make it better. Seeing my six teammates looking at me with such grace and understanding as I sat there and told them how much I absolutely HATED the day, HATED asking for help, all they had for me was love. They challenged me to learn to accept their love and their help, and so guess where I don’t get to go for at least another day?
“Love does not insist on its own way.” 1 Corinthians 13: 5
