Hi everyone!!
So last time we talked you guys heard that I came home to get my wisdom teeth out. The surgery went super well and I was well enough to eat some turkey on thanksgiving!
Now comes the hard news, I have decided to not rejoin my squad on the race. Through a lot of prayer, this is the only decision I feel 100% peace about. And let me tell you why-
For the past 4 years, missions has been the only thing my heart has been on fire about. I wanted it to be my career and if you would’ve asked me, I would’ve told you I would be living in Nicaragua the first chance I could get. However when I went to training camp this past summer I had this feeling that I didn’t belong, but I brushed it off because I thought it was a way satan was attacking me to prevent me from going on the race. The month between training camp and launch was one of the hardest of my life. It was a constant battle going on in my mind because I couldn’t decipher which thoughts were from the Lord and which ones weren’t. It was only when I was finally in El Salvador that I believe I heard Jesus speak to me clearly. You see, I’m very stubborn. I often think it’s my way or the highway, and I wanted the world race BAD. I didn’t want to go to school and in my head I was following the will of God by choosing to go on the race. But one day when I was riding down the highway in the back of the truck I heard Him say “I had to bring you here to show you that this is not what I have for you”. I’m still so confused on the plans Jesus has for my life. He made fundraising and every thing else leading up to the race so easy for me, He opened up every door for me to get there without struggle. So for Him to tell me He did this only to show me that me wanting to go on the race was something of my flesh and that missions isn’t what he has for my life was mind blowing to me and honestly a heart break I’ve never experienced before. I started praying that if this feeling was truly from Jesus then He would have to make something happen to bring me home, and a few weeks later my wisdom teeth broke through and caused me to be in awful pain. It wasn’t logical for me to get them out there, so my family decided that it was best if I came home to get the procedure done. This was the answer I needed, it was the smallest thing and something I didn’t expect, but that little tooth coming through was how Jesus was going to give me the clarification I needed.
I don’t expect anyone to truly understand my decision. After all, you aren’t me and you weren’t in El Salvador going through the things I went through. I don’t regret going and learning the things I did, but I wouldn’t wish some of the pain I’ve felt the past couple months on anyone. I am 100% at peace with this decision and I am happy. For the first time in a long time Jesus has let my heart rest. Throughout this process I have been worried about two things, what my squad will think of me and what people at home will think of me. Never what Jesus will think of me because I know that He has given me this peace because it’s OKAY. And He is proud of me. So I decided that worrying about what others will say is silly, because I already have my Father’s approval.
With that being said, I would appreciate if you guys would respect this decision and trust my actions because this has been prayed over for SO long. I am so thankful for everyone’s love and support throughout this season of my life. I have no idea at all where God is going to take me next, and I never expected I would have to make “life after the race” decisions this early. I am expectant that He will make His plan evident and I’m excited to see where it takes me because at this point He surprises me a lot.
