Who are you trying to fool?
Throughout my life, I’ve always questioned who I was. I first found my identity in the friends around me. But, they let me down. I found my identity in my boyfriend, but we broke up. I then found myself turning to worldly desires, for comfort as well as discovering who I was. I became the girl that was the “life of the party.” Some days filled with joy but most, lost in a cloud of darkness. I was stuck in this place for a long time.
My true identity had been replaced, but I was so lost in the world that I didn’t care. I started to convince myself that I didn’t care about anything at all. I didn’t care that I was wasting my life away. I had no idea who I was anymore. I truly didn’t care about anything or anyone around me.
I continued to live in this miserable cycle. After a month or a year of this lifestyle, I grew tired and would turn back to God, asking for His help. I’d always go in whole heartedly, but sooner then later I would mess everything up and I find myself back in my old habits, my old typical sad, miserable self. The words I continued to tell myself where, “just give up, you’re going to mess it up anyway, why even try? This is your life. You don’t deserve to be happy. You’re a screw up.” I would convince myself that I would never be the “good Christian,” I would always be, “that girl at the bar.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone through this cycle. I’d hit rock bottom, then I’d turn back to God. I’d start to fix my life, and then soon, I would start to hear that familiar voice, telling me, “You don’t deserve to be happy. It was easy to listen to those lies. I would go out with my friends, wake up the next morning feeling horrible, yet comfortable. It felt familiar. Who was I trying to fool? Truth is, I had never given myself the chance to know a different Lindsey.
When I decided to go on the race, I told God that I wanted Him to reveal to me how much He loved me. I’ve always known that God loved me but I needed Him to show me. Man, has He shown Himself to me this year, as well as those around me. He revealed to me how much He loves me and how much He loves the world. I can’t describe how amazing it’s been. Yet, there’s something that God has revealed to me recently that has blown my mind even more.
God has revealed to me what my true identity is. I’ve spent years searching for this answer. It’s only taken me 25 years and one intense missions trip for it to finally all come together. God simply reminded me that I am His daughter. I’ve forgotten to turn to Him, to turn to His truth and His truth alone.
In the past, when I wanted to start living for Him, to change my ways, I would continue to live for myself and who was around me. I didn’t fit the mold of what the world viewed a Christian to look like; at least how I thought they should look like. My focus was still on the world, and myself not on the only one that mattered. I was trying so hard to do the right things and to live the perfect Christian life, that when I failed, I would turn away from Him because I felt undeserving of His love. I had it all wrong. I had missed the whole point.
I was trying to hard to work for God’s love and His grace. So when I failed, I’d listen to the lies in my head that would tell me to give up and to turn back to my old self. It was so easy for me to do this because I had forgotten my identity. I had forgotten that I was a Daughter of Christ. Knowing my identity, knowing this truth and believing it changes everything. There’s nothing in this world that can take my true identity away from me. Friends and relationships unfortunately come and go. Things that where once fun and entertaining, luckily for me, started to fade into the background. The only thing in this life that never changes is God’s truth, and how lucky are we for that!
Now, when I fail, I will no longer need to fall apart and return to who I once was because I now know who I am in Christ. When I fail, I now can turn to God and He will remind me of who I am. He knows everything I have ever done in my life, the Good, the Bad and the Horrible. He knows everything that I will do today, tomorrow and the day after that. Even though He knows, it won’t ever change the way that He feels about me, or the way that He sees me. I am His daughter and I am perfectly and wonderfully made. There’s nothing that I can do to change His love for me.
Thank you to the people that never stopped believing in me. Thank you all for being part of this incredible journey. I have so many stories to tell and I would love to someday share them all with you.
