When my older sister was on The World Race, my mom would constantly remind her that she needed to write another blog. My snickering in the background would then follow. It sounded like a simple task, like writing a paper for class. Just get it done! Now that I’m on the race, I see the difficulty. It’s fairly easy for me to share my random thoughts (as most of you know). But, when it comes to getting said thoughts on paper, it has proven harder then I thought. So, here I go.
When asked, “What is God teaching you?” It seems like a question that should be easy to answer. For me it has stopped me in my tracks. God has taught me something new every month of the race. Bear with me, as I explain, the most important thing God has shown me thus far is, His original plan for my heart.
Going into the race, I had two goals: 1. I wanted God to point out something in my life that I have overlooked, and that I needed to acknowledge. 2. I wanted to spend more time with Him by learning how to be disciplined so that I could grow more intimate with Him.
I knew the first goal wasn’t going to happen until I had spent several months on the race. I needed to give myself time to process all that I have gone through in my life leading up to this moment. In my last blog, I mentioned The Lost Boys of Bolivia I was incredibly blessed to have lived with them for a month. I prayed for God to break my heart and to see these boys the way that He did. Within days my heart was overwhelmed with how much I cared for those boys. He showed me what unconditional love looked like. He gave me a glimpse into how a parent loves their children and ultimately how much He loves me. I looked back on my life and saw that even when I had turned my back on Him and didn’t want anything to do with Him, He never stopped loving me.
The next month came way too fast and I found myself in Kosovo. I didn’t know it then but Kosovo was going to be an incredibly fun yet challenging month. Our team faced challenges from home and an immense amount of spiritual warfare. Though we faced these challenges, our month was filled with laughter and an amazing ministry. This is where I started to experience my second goal.
I’ve always wanted to be that person that easily woke up early in the morning and have alone time with God. Those that know me are now saying, “not gonna happen.” I am not a morning person. It’s not that I don’t like the mornings, I really do enjoy them, it’s the whole getting myself out of bed, that is the challenge for me. After several months of trying to be “that person” and failing, I was over it. Now, in Kosovo, I was determined, this would be the month that I reached my goal. Finally, it became easier then it ever had been. My mornings were great. I woke up two hours before my ministry would start. I now had time to drink my coffee and eat breakfast while I listened to a podcast. I looked forward to waking up early so that God and I could have time together. I formed a friendship with Him that I didn’t want to miss.
While listening to a podcast, God brought my thoughts back to the boys in Bolivia. He reminded me of how broken my heart was for those boys. My heart had not hurt for anyone like that in a very long time. Though my heart felt like it was shattered, something was different this time. I wasn’t sure what it was. One morning, God brought it all together. I have no memory of the podcast I was listening to, but when it finished, the song Set a Fire came on. Instantly tears started rolling down my cheeks. I wasn’t “crying,” because I was sad but tears were just pouring out. God showed me the walls I’ve built to protect myself. I had not shown people my true self in a very long time. God had created my heart to be sensitive and to be vulnerable. He created my heart to be soft and caring. These traits were not my weakness. Being sensitive was my strength. I had let the world darken my heart from the truth: I had thought opening my heart was weak. When I was hurt I had to cover it up. I needed to protect my heart and mend it myself. These things were not what God wanted from me. He didn’t create me to close myself off from pain. He wants me to be how He made me. He wants my heart to break for people and He showed me that he would be there when it is time to put my heart back together again.
I had been working so hard trying to reach intimacy with God. I was focused on looking for Him but I was blind to see that He had been intimate with me the whole time. I realize now, people are going to let me down but I cannot hide from that. We all let each other down, that shouldn’t stop us from sharing our hearts with one another. Nothing should stop us from showing our true selves. Now, I continue to practice my second goal of, spending time with God. I have learned that when my heart does get broken, it is because He has (as the song goes) “Set a fire down in my soul, that I can’t contain and I can’t control. There is no place I’d rather be, than here in His Love.” He will protect my heart. Because it is His heart and He will mend it back together. When I give God my heart, there’s nothing in this world that can break me.
My new goal, as I enter my 9th month on the race, is to get back to how my heart once was. How God originally created my heart to be.
