Okay so in my last blog post about training camp, I said that I was emotionally/spiritually wreaked. Looking back on that choice of words, I don’t think that is the best way to describe my situation. The best way that I can think of to put words to how training camp impacted my life is that it spiritually and emotionally challenged me. Many days it was a series of sessions that pushed me to delve deeper into your personal relationship with God or force me to remember repressed emotions that I tried to forget for a reason. As new, difficult, and challenging as those ten days felt, the word I can use to sum up training camp for me was GROWTH.
For me as a PK (pastor’s kid), I feel like I have walked with Jesus all of my life. Not saying this to brag at all but personally, that was always a struggle when sharing my testimony. I always felt it wasn’t as important or didn’t matter as much because I never had that “Wow” moment of God flipped my life upside down. Over the years (and training camp helped me out here too), I have realized that I am still important and my story may affect a person who I never even imagined. All of this to say, I have always felt close to God, and our relationship was always there. The week of training camp though forced me to trust in Him more than I have before.
Going into training camp, I was ecstatic to be around people who loved the Lord, to worship relentlessly, and to try and become better at hearing God’s voice. I have always had a more difficult time hearing the Holy Spirit talk to me. I know I have heard him a few distinct times but those are few and far between. So for me, training camp gave me the opportunity to learn and practice listening for God’s voice. About half way through the week, we had a session one night about how to hear the Lord’s voice. I was sooooo excited for it. When that night came around, I was the prime student hanging onto the speaker’s every word longing to experience this in my own life. At the end of the talk, the speaker challenged us to sit and listen to God’s voice for three minutes. I was ready and confidant. I shut my eyes and waited, calming my mind and opening my heart to the presence of the Holy Spirit.
Three minutes go by, and I got nothing. The flies kept buzzing around my legs, and the longer into the three minutes I waited, the more discouraged I felt. After we were released from the session, I kinda just sat there crying. A couple trainers and other racers came over to talk to me. Their words were always encouraging, and it did really help a lot. But, discouraged I dove into the bible that night and didn’t really find anything that stuck or hit me. But somehow through all of this I had a strange sense of rest that I knew God was there, and He was hearing my cries.
The next day, we were to put what we learned the night before into practice. In our teams of six we were to prophesy over each other. Prophesy is a really big kinda intense word, but for us it was just to speak what God was telling you and share it with others. That morning, I was renewed and ready to try again. We all spoke over each other, some crazy things happened, and I was still at a dead end. I began to question “what am I doing wrong” or “am I not listening correctly.” So it began, a day of just spiritual challenge. What made it even more difficult was that most everyone else was hearing the Lord or had words given to them, and I, who was so pumped to begin with, was struggling so much.
The next activity was experiencing different pathways to grow your relationship with the Lord. This varied from worship to nature to art to acts of service each one trying to help us find what resonated the most. Going through each one helped me realize that maybe God talks to us in a different way, so some of my discouragement turned into searching. As I was searching, I figured out which ones I connected with the best. I love worship, talking with people, and I think studying the Bible might be one for me too. But over the period of the afternoon I still didn’t really hear God’s voice. The discouragement and now uncertainty was nagging at me again. I was just drained from trying so hard to listen and getting to what I thought was nowhere. The hardest part for me was that 1. I was so excited and jumped at it with an open heart that I couldn’t really understand why I wasn’t being able to hear Him and 2. to me it seemed like everyone else was so connected to Him. That night I went into to worship kind of down and discouraged, yes that word once again.
I made it through the first song and a half before the tears started rolling. These were not happy, cute, little tears this was, “I’m a mess”, big, alligator tears. Fast forward through worship, the speaker, and a second little worship and I am still crying. That’s like three hours of tears and to tell you the truth I really don’t know why. I’m not a very emotional person, so this was hard for me to be crying and doing that in front of 300 other people. Friends and leaders kept coming up wanting to talk and giving me words about my life. That was cool, but I was like, “God, I want my own words. You are using them to speak to me, but I want my own.” So many people were so helpful and even just let me know that they cared about me through this dry time in my life.
After composing myself, I went to find a spot to read my bible and just once again listen. I was basically like, “okay God tell me where to read, and if I don’t hear you then I’m just opening the bible.” Well, I ended up having to open the bible. He opened it to Isaiah 35. The first words were, “the desert will become flowing with water.” I was like, “okay God thank you that was right @me! I am the desert and your holy spirit is the water.” This once again reassured me that even though I had not heard Him the way I was expecting to or wanted to, He still is there for me and I am not alone.
A few more cool bible findings helped reiterate that He is always there, and I do feel His presence. Through all of this challenge, I never once doubted that He was there or didn’t care about me. But I wanted Him to speak, and I wanted it NOW. The best word to describe what I felt like He was trying to tell me is Rest. I need to rest in Him, and His timing is always better than my own. He has promised me that I am his daughter, and I have complete trust that He will speak to me and we will have conversations. But for now, I need to rest in Him. Still two weeks after training camp I am still resting, looking, and waiting with my heart wide open. I have full faith that it will come, and that I will be able to hear His voice, but it’s all in His time.
So basically to sum it all up, You need to rest in God’s plan for you because His timing is always best. In the waiting, open your heart to Him because He is growing it without you even knowing. Lastly, never forget that you are a son or daughter of God, and He longs for an intimate relationship with you. These are the truths I have learned at training camp. Yes, I am still looking for Him, but I find Him in ways I don’t expect. It may not be His voice loud and clear, but it is His presence that surrounds me daily that I can put my trust in.
Well, I guess if you read this be prepared for the blog post saying, “God talked to me!!!” Cause it’s coming, I know it’s coming. Also, if you want to hear a more in depth version of the story or talk about it or are struggling with a similar thing, reach out! I want to share what I have learned. My number is 404-455-1254, and I really do like to talk. Thank you again for all your support and love. I hope you enjoyed reading (sorry there were no pictures this time).
