In my last blog post I told you all how much I’ve been hurting these past few months. I didn’t leave my blogs off like I usually do with a “God is so good” revelation. I left you all right where I was- in my brokenness.
And honestly, I’m still here. I’m still questioning God’s character and I am still looking for Him as I watch the horrors of the world around me. Every morning I wake up and practice gratitudes so I can see the seemingly small ways He blessed me in the past 24 hours. I told you I can’t provide all the answers, but I did promise to dig into one: where the heck is He?
So without further adieu, my answer.
I could sit here and tell you that our pain speaks to other people (2 Corinthians 1:4). That we should rejoice in our trials because it produces faith (1 Peter 1:6-7). That God will deliver us from our pain (2 Corinthians 1:10). And while all those things are true, I’m not going to tell you that. Because truth is, sometimes shit sucks- it just does (sorry Alex, Mrs. Banks, and Seth Barnes for the language).
Every time someone tells you there’s a reason for your pain, your pain does not just magically disappear.Shocking, I know, considering that as humans this seems to be our go-to response to a friend in need. Think about a time you experienced some sort of mental pain- say your grandma passed away. And you cry to your friend and they say, “Rejoice! This is producing endurance!” “Thank you, I feel so much better now!” said no one ever.
Let’s talk about the moments when you can’t see the purpose and when the simple Christian answers won’t suffice.
A few days ago I listened to a podcast by Red Rocks Young Adults called “HIS Presence In Your Pain.” During her sermon the speaker, Jessie Davis, says that in John 14-17 we are assured of two things. The first? That we will experience pain. She continues with the second, “He assures us that He will be with us in the middle of the pain. He assures you not that He is always going to rescue you out of it, but that He will be there right in the middle of your pain.”
I had trouble hearing this at first. I didn’t believe the entirety of her words. Obviously I could get on board with the whole “we will experience pain” thing (peep India, Nepal, Thailand, Cambodia). I can get on board with the whole “he won’t always rescue you it out of it” thing. But I just couldn’t accept that He is right here in the middle of my pain. I couldn’t accept that He had His hand over my friend’s brother’s death. I couldn’t accept that He had His hand over the woman being eaten by ants. I didn’t believe He was there because I couldn’t see Him- because I couldn’t feel Him. And at the core of that statement lies an overarching truth in my life: I was doubting God’s goodness which meant I was doubting the existence of God. Yeah, you heard me right. I’m on a mission trip and I wasn’t even sure if I could buy into the whole God thing because of my pain. I thought that because I was hurting I was doing something wrong. That I wasn’t a good enough Christian. There are a lot of things that people tell us about pain. Especially Christians. That you just don’t have enough faith or you need to repent and then all will be okay. And that’s just not true.
This blog is not to explain why we have pain, it is to explain that He is in the middle of it. A couple weeks ago while still in Thailand I FaceTimed one of my coaches, Amy. After meeting me in my sorrow (bless her heart) she told me “You are not alone” and sent me a blog written by one of my squadmates, Luke Hanna. Luke’s blog was extremely vulnerable, telling his followers of his pain and how he could no longer hear or feel the Lord:
“One night here in Thailand I was struggling to fall asleep because I was so troubled by the silence. I climbed out of my mosquito net, put my headlamp on my head, and marched out of the village to the edge of the jungle. I sat on a bamboo bench and began praying out loud begging God to speak to me again. As the moon skated across the sky and tears rolled down my cheeks I desperately longed to know the Father’s love again. I felt like David in the 27th Psalm.
“Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, ‘Seek my face.’ My heart says to you, ‘Your face, LORD, do I seek.’ Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation!”
Ps 27.7-9
I remembered something my youth pastor always says to me: If you ever doubt that the Father loves you, just look at the cross. I was overcome with the goodness of the Father and His mercy. I immediately realized that I was basing my effectiveness for the kingdom on how much I felt loved when in reality, Jesus sacrificed Himself to give us the freedom and power to walk in the knowledge that I am loved.” (Check out his full blog here).
Can we just take a moment and appreciate that truth?! Well said, Luke, well said.
So I just admitted that I didn’t actually believe that God is good enough because I can’t see Him. Because I can’t feel Him. And I realized this is the stupidest, most human thing I could believe. I was relying on my emotions, not on facts. Because the truth is this: feeling and knowing are different. Jesus didn’t die so I could feel loved. He died so I would know it. He died so we would always be together. And it was in this moment I realized I need to look deeply at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.
Now I could easily write an entire book about the crucifixion, sacrifice, and atonement (jk not that easily). But I have neither the time nor the patience to do so in this blog (also I think I may have already lost some of my readers). So let’s Sparknote it:
Unfortunately the animal sacrifices of the good ole’ days were no longer doing the trick- there was still evil all over the place. Why? Because ever since the fall we are ALL sinners. AKA we all contribute to the evil that is in this world. Yes, even you. And, more shockingly, even me (just kidding). So how was God to get rid of this evil? The ultimate sacrifice- sending His son to die on the cross. Then He did this crazy thing called resurrecting. Meaning He conquered death and lives on so He can continually be our sacrifice.
The bonus is this: He’s still always with us. It’s casual. TY Holy Spirit.
For those of you who like things to be backed up with scripture, check this out:
“‘I pray not only for these, but also for those who believe in me through their word. May they all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us, so that the world may believe you sent me. I have given them the glory you have given me, so that they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me, so that they may be made completely one, that the world may know you have sent me and have loved them as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, so that they will see my glory, which you have given me because you loved me before the world’s foundation. Righteous Father, the world has not known you. However, I have known you, and they have known that you sent me. I made your name known to them and will continue to make it known, so that the love you have loved me with may be in them and I may be in them.’”
~John 17:20-26
Jesus died so He could always be here with me. So I could be one with Him through the Holy Spirit. And you- he died for all of us.
I was looking at life around me, all of the brokenness, and using that as a measurement of God’s presence. I was using feeling not fact about God’s presence. So yes, I feel broken. He isn’t pulling me out of it- I certainly can’t feel Him… but I know He is there. Me saying God doesn’t exist because I can’t feel Him is like saying the ocean doesn’t exist because I haven’t seen it since India. I can’t feel it. I can’t see it. But I know it didn’t simply disappear. So I have to chase it. And eventually I’ll be in it’s loving embrace.
It’s hard to rest in the knowledge God has given us because as humans we rely so deeply on emotions. But emotions were given to humans as a navigational tool towards the ultimate truth. I feel broken, and that is the only way I’m going to truly learn dependence on the Lord. Eventually, through all this brokenness, I’ll feel His loving embrace. Until then, I will continue to rely on fact.
In the Bible God tells us left and right that He’s always there. Jessie Davis puts it perfectly in her sermon, “All throughout scripture any time Jesus is walking around He is right in the middle of someone’s pain. If someone is hungry, Jesus is there. If someone lost their identity to prostitution a long time ago, Jesus is right there. Someone’s been rejected by every single husband she’s ever had? Jesus is right there. Somebody is blind and has been stricken with blindness their whole life- He’s right there. They’ve been stricken with an illness to the point where they don’t have any hope anymore, Jesus is right there” (32:06-32:31).
Sometimes I like to think that I am different than people in the Bible. That I’m the exception. But the truth is, I’m not. And neither are you. He was always right there- God was always with Jesus, God is always with me, and God is always with you.
So no, not every day on the Race, or even in my life, will I feel God. And whether that be because of my heart or my circumstance it doesn’t really matter. After all, when was comfort ever associated with love on the cross?
I’ll leave you with this for now: it is not easy. Me telling you that God died so you would know rather than feel His love probably doesn’t make you feel all that much better. And that’s because you have yet to make the longest journey of your life: the 12 inches between your head and your heart. Stay tuned… the next blog is about my treacherous 12 inch journey.
**If you have questions about the crucifixion, please reach out! I definitely don’t have all the answers but I’m happy to search for them or discuss what I do know with you!**
Check out Jessie Davis’ full sermon here.
