It’s no secret that the Race has been incredibly rewarding but extremely difficult (check out my “Welcome To The Struggle Bus” blogs for proof). In Part 2 I included scripture but also said “sometimes shit sucks- it just does.” I continued, “Every time someone tells you there’s a reason for your pain, your pain does not just disappear … Think about a time you experienced some sort of mental pain- say your grandma passed away. And you cry to your friend and they say, ‘Rejoice! This is producing endurance!’ (in reference to James 1:2-4). “Thank you, I feel so much better now!’ said no one ever.”
I am happy to announce that while shit no longer sucks (praise), I can now say that the passage James 1:2-4 officially helps!
It reads, “Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:2-4).
This past month, I’ve had a lens change while studying this verse. I am a doer. A performer through and through. I like to get things done and done well. I’ll do what it takes, even if that means working through all hours of the night or neglecting my faith. Sometimes this is a good thing (not the neglecting part); I have a work ethic and I think that’s something to be proud of. But my confidence is sometimes in direct correlation with works. If I do well, I’m confident in who I am. If I mess up, I feel guilty and unworthy.
That has not only been apart of my life but also my Race. For 5 months I have felt guilty not hearing from God. For 5 months I have seen horrors of the world and felt unequipped to do anything about them. For 5 months I have been trying so hard while feeling little to nothing to show for it.
And so, I have endurance.
But what is my endurance in?
The past 5 months I have learned that God is not always going to show up right when we want Him to in the ways we want Him to. Frankly, I was pretty pissed at God for awhile. I was frustrated that He called me to the Race so clearly and then seemingly left me without even a “good luck.”
Having been so troubled by His silence, I did the last thing I could think of to hear Him: I fasted. The plan was to fast for 24 hours and look at key moments of my testimony. Feeling good (read: hungry) after this reflection I wrote, “…that (said key moments) triggered the need to be perfect and performance oriented. That my works will make me better. I feel like I’m even trying to do that now through fasting. That if I do the right thing I will finally feel close to you.”
During my fast is really when I realized the negative consequences of being a performer. I saw the moments of my life where I felt unworthy- and though difficult it was also completely necessary. After it all, I knew the places healing needed to take place. So I asked God, “What do you say about me as your child?”
I was expecting some crazy awesome thing, like the dresser lighting on fire and declaring, “YOU ARE WORTHY!”
Not quite. Nonetheless, the response was clear, “My child, just rest.”
Lol, okay, God, I’ll stop trying to hear the things I want. But, “rest?” What does that mean?
Gabbie, a fellow faster and teammate, ended up sharing what the Lord told her, thinking it was also for me: Matthew 6:25-34. The part that stuck out? “Observe how the wildflowers of the field grow: They don’t labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these. If that’s how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, won’t he do much more for you- you of little faith?” (Matthew 6:28-30)
Okay, so God answered with His Word. Classic.
ICYMI, here’s what that means: I have to stop trying so freaking hard. Nothing comes from myself, only the Father. I can rest in the knowledge that like the wildflowers, I am cared for.
I have responsibilities, let me be clear. But my first responsibility is to love the Lord, our God, with all of my heart, all of my soul, and all of my mind (Matthew 22:37). After this, everything will become an overflow in my life.
“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
~Luke 6:45
Last week I was messaging a friend from the lovely X Squad, Ian Wray. We chatted about our experiences on the Race and caught up on life. I asked Ian, “What has the Lord been teaching you this month?” without having an answer of my own. As he posed the question back to me I began thinking. What was the Lord teaching me this month? Per my last blog, obviously He was teaching me about why I am in Vietnam instead of with my family. But when Ian asked me this question I realized this past month was about so much more. I answered Ian with, “Oh man, he’s been teaching me a lot. I fasted for the first half of the day today which was rad because I just heard Him so clearly for the first time in a while. He’s def teaching me what it means to have endurance and rest in Him!”
Ian’s response prompted more consideration, “Dang that’s so stinking good. This definitely isn’t a sprint, and that’s been a huge learning thing. Like this is the rest of our lives, so what does that look like.”
So, what does that look like?
Here, through my own response, I realized that endurance and rest do not have to be opposites. This isn’t a sprint, it’s about endurance in rest.
Remember what I said about being a performer? That, my friends, is messed up! I’m a sinner and screw something up everyday at least once. But I am also a Daughter of Christ, and frankly He doesn’t care if I become a CEO or not. He cares that I glorify Him and love others well. This life has nothing to do with me and my performance, so I need to stop trying so hard to be perfect and just be in the Lord’s presence. Being here means I am well cared for.
Vietnam is a starting block. I am learning what it means to rest in the Lord, and to be okay with it. `
Today, I have endurance in rest.
