“How much for this ring?” I ask the kind salesman who is about my age with very good English, something hard to come by here in Vietnam.
“100,000 Dong for the pretty lady, for you I make a good price” he says with a smile, “Where do you come from?”
“The United States, I’m from NE, the center of the country!” I say with Husker pride.
“Why do you come here to Vietnam?” he questioned with curiosity.
“I’m here to teach English,” I lie with confidence, hoping that he doesn’t notice the permanent cross tattooed on my neck. I have practiced this lie many times during my stay in Vietnam.
“Where do you teach?” he asks eagerly, in hopes that we can meet again.
“I teach at different coffee shops, I’m not here much longer, unfortunately” I lie once more. I have to be extremely sensitive with my words here in Vietnam, because the reality is; I’m not the only one that could face persecution. With any careless, naïve words of what is true, I put others in danger too.
At restaurants, we’re told to pray under our breath.
During ministry, we’re told to be careful whom we add on social media.
Before arrival, we were told to be careful what we say, when we say it and what we post.
Our host, aka Dad, dreamt up the Agape Center some years ago and made our beautiful home out of what was once a landfill. The vision is to teach English and educate the community, while using scripture to encourage good morals and hopefully lead others to the Lord after building relationships.
His father, aka “grandpa” faced 5 years in prison for his ministry. But that didn’t stop him. Grandpa is one of our students here at the Agape center, and we attend his church across the street. He helped Dad in making his dream of the Agape center become a reality.
It’s a beautiful story of boldness, reward and suffering. And I have the privilege of being here to listen to the many stories of adversity told with beaming smiles across faces.
This month I am learning that Joy and Suffering are synonymous. It sounds crazy, right? When we think of “joy” we think of happiness, amusement, excitement. Hell, when I look it up in the thesaurus the word “comfort” shows up as a synonym.
I am here to tell you that that is a L I E.
Never in scripture do joy and comfort line up with each other.
If I’m completely honest, I love the race. I’m living out the New Testament and it’s the coolest thing to read Bible stories and be like “yeah, I kinda get that.” But I’ll also be the first to say, it’s not easy. This journey ain’t for the weak. It is not comfortable. I sleep on a sleeping pad. I miss my closet. I don’t understand 98% of the conversations that take place in my village. I have to push past my own strength and myself in order to be fully present for ministry. And most importantly I have to be SO in tune with Jesus in the case that I might openly speak about Him outside our home, because if I talk about Him out of my own desire and not His own, I could put a lot of people in danger. The race requires a lot of effort. It requires one to push past comfort to seek Him and His will above our own.
But then comes joy.
I’m learning that God is first and foremost for Himself. And I shouldn’t be upset about that. Because if He is for Himself above me, then that means He is for Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self-Control. God is constantly showing me to let go. He is showing me that His way is best. He can’t tell me the details, because that would take away the faith and the fun. He is showing me that His plans are always better, and they don’t need my editing.
If I’m honest, the American dream seems a little appealing. Not a ton, but a little. I want a family. I want a house. I want babies. I want a kitchen to cook in, (not that I even know how to cook to begin with.) I want my family to drive to Grandma’s house for Christmas and open presents. Those are real dreams.
But what if that’s not what Jesus has in mind for me? Can I be okay with that? If I were to choose a life He didn’t take part in planning, if I were to choose a life that brings Him no glory, but I get comfort in return, would I be satisfied?
The reality is, my life is not for me. I want to bring Him glory, but in order to do that, I HAVE to let go of my dreams. This reality sucks.
I am a girl that gets pretty easily frustrated. I am realizing that the root of my frustration is because I often fall into the mental game of thinking that this life is about me.
“The more the world is about you, the more angry and tired you’ll be. And the more it’s not about you, the more free you are.”
Matt Chandler
That ring that I bought from the salesman broke. The very same day I bought it. The hilarious thing is that my teammate left her shirt in our taxi, and my other teammate’s pants ripped the next day. It’s like God is trying to get us to the point where we realize that things just don’t matter.
The few things I brought with me on the race will end up in a goodwill someday. Everything I own at home will end up in someone’s garage sale someday. No thing in this life matters.
Our life is not our own. Our life is to bring Him glory. And with that we have the choice to pick Him or comfort.
All of this is really hard to swallow. When I think about what I’m going to do with this in moving forward, there are really no words. I have no clue. I would love to say that I would do anything and everything the Lord asks of me, but if I’m honest, that scares me. I find myself responding to Him with “I will do anything BUT.” Unfortunately that just doesn’t cut it. He doesn’t need my edit’s.
So I’m going to be vulnerable and ask for prayer. Pray for me. Pray that as God so faithfully and lovingly convicts me, I choose His ways. I choose to give Him glory. I lay down my frustrations and pride and pick up the love and humility He is offering. For Him, not for my gain. Pray that my life would glorify Him in every way He dreamt it would.
Thank you in advance! Your prayers are always heard and your support means the world.
Love always,
Linds
“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.”
2 Peter 1:3
