Great question. I’ve asked myself that a lot in the last decade.
Let me introduce you to my friend, DJ. He’s the type of person who’s super easy to be around. When you leave his presence, you find yourself a little more full of life than you were before, but you miss him. He’s fun and adventurous. He’s a little on the rebellious side in wanting to push boundaries, all in good fun. He laughs often and it’s contagious. He’s very observant and is quick to sense one’s sadness, but knows just the right jokes to crack and is quick to give out true and genuine words of encouragement. He’s a sweet, sweet soul.
Unfortunately all of this is from memory because D.J went to heaven 10 years ago to the date.
I was sixteen years old and I remember the weekend of the accident vividly. It was a sunny Saturday afternoon. I was driving to a friend’s house surrounded by the October blue sky and changing fall leaves, my favorite at the time. I got a phone call from my dad saying it was urgent that I come home because D.J was “in a skateboarding accident.” My immediate thoughts were “it can’t be anything too bad.”
Eight hours later I was lying on a bed with Emilee (his sister), Jake (his brother) and Luke (my brother) keeping myself awake with my own prayers, begging God for his life. It wouldn’t be but another few hours later that I would be saying goodbye to my friend and thinking to myself “How will life go on from this?”
Some sixteen-year-old girls get their hearts broken by petty boys. Mine was broken by my Father who let my best friend die.
I never stopped believing in God, but that day I stopped believing in His goodness. He no longer had good plans for me. His promises weren’t true. And He certainly didn’t hear my prayers. So I stopped praying. I didn’t read my Bible, and I only went to church if and when my family was to drag me there. I wanted to stay as far away from Him as possible.
For the next three years of my life I struggled with deep depression, lots of confusion and accepted my heartache. I was a patient in need of healing, but ran from anything that might save me because I believed the lie that it would hurt me instead.
It was finally at 19 when I believe I truly discovered God. Let me explain:
Imagine a timeline. From infant to 16 years old I call it my “perfect stage.” Life was just that, perfect. I would never have admitted it to you at the time, but honestly there wasn’t a care in the world. I went to church; I was well liked at school and even loved my parents with the occasional argument here and there. Life was just simple.
At 16 I begged God for a miracle that He didn’t grant. He broke my heart and it wasn’t until 19 that I acknowledged His presence again.
At 19 is when I found myself at rock bottom. I finally got to a place where I had nowhere to run but up. If 19 has a title on my timeline it would be “when Jesus cornered me with love.” I spoke to Him for the first time since the day at the hospital three years previous. I said “God, I need you to come back because I have no clue what I need to do right now or how I’m going to do it.” He spoke to me and said, “I never left.”
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:7-12
I’ve prayed to Him everyday since. He is good to me. His love is so wide and deep I could live 1,000 lives and never find His loves’ end. He never leaves, never forsakes. Circumstances can be cruel and ugly, life can be tragic- but His love and goodness will never end.
“..So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
Ephesians 3:17-19
At 16, I thought life would suck. I was getting ready to throw in the towel, but God grabbed a hold of my heart and reminded me of Who He is and what He’s all about. Fast forward ten years, I can’t help but smile as I type this from my bed in Africa while on the journey of a lifetime in which I’m given the opportunity to share His name and His story across the nations.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds
Psalm 147:3
“‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss D.J, but rather than wishing I could be where he is and hug him, I get to tell people about God’s goodness and love so they can join D.J in heaven with me.
“We should be well pleased with God as a Friend, even when He seems against us as an enemy. We must believe that all shall work for good to us, even when all seems to make against us. We must cleave to God, though we cannot for the present find comfort in Him. In a dying hour, we must derive from Him living comforts; and this is to trust in Him, though he slay us.”
Matthew Henry
Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.”
Job 13:15
“Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.”
Psalm 63:3
