I’ve said more goodbyes in the last few weeks than I’d like to count. I’ve never been away from home for more than a month at a time, so even though 11 months isn’t even quite a full year, it feels like forever.
In just two days I have to say my last goodbye to the people who have been by my side since day one. My family is so excited for my journey, and I’m excited too, but I’m dreading the moment where we part.
I’ve never known heartbreak quite like this one. One where the “goodbye” is fully my choice- yet I still feel like I don’t have one in the matter. And as heartbreaking as it is, it is just as- if not more so- exciting. The epitome of bittersweet.
I have this fear. FOMO. Fear of missing out. But I am reminded time and time again that I am not missing out on anything. Because God has me right where He wants me. Even though leaving everything I’ve known is very hard, I have full peace knowing that I’m in His will.
On the drive down, a few thoughts came to my mind.
“It is never more clarity that you need, it is always more trust.”
This is the greatest truth that I’ve pondered in a very long time. As of lately, there have been situations in my life that I have cared a great deal about and worried over and prayed about and God just kept reminding me “This doesn’t matter right now, wait.”
I hate that answer. But He’s right. I’m (quite literally) on a mission. I’m gone for the next 11 months, so for me to worry about situations and relationships back at home, it would be completely out of place. It is not clarity on those situations that I need, it is fully trusting that He will take care of it that I need to focus on. I need to focus my attention on loving where I’m at. My grandma said it best “when others fail you, disappoint you or betray you- when loving seems too costly, and insecurity looms- remember how greatly you are loved by family, friends and the Lord.” Dwelling on those disappointing moments won’t change them, but trusting that God will take care of it always changes you. And it’s trusting that He will take care of it that will take care of my heart to love others across these nations fully.
You see, I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to this. I feel like if I’m not present, I can’t take responsibility and control the situation to do what I think needs to get done. But right now, God is totally pruning me to show me that it doesn’t matter where I am, if He has something planned to happen- it will. Whether I’m there or not. Because He has way more control and power than I do.
We don’t need clarity, we need trust.
Which brings me to my second thought, “If you’re not living life scared, you’re probably doing it wrong.”
To clarify, not literal fear. That’s not healthy. But after experiencing these past few years of taking this plunge, I hope I’m taking plunges for the rest of my life. Because if I’m always doing something that I feel completely adequate and fully prepared to do, if I’m always doing something that I think I have full control over, then trust in God is not needed and I never want to be in that place. I hope I’m always taking risks. I hope I’m always a little nervous, so that I’m forced to lean into His arms and have Him carry me through. I hope I’m always living life a little scared, because I know He’s got me.
The race is one big adventure of discovery of God, self and the world. I’m constantly learning new things and I haven’t even boarded my first plane. My favorite part of this journey is and always will be the fact that I can say with my mouth “I will do anything for Jesus Christ” and actually prove it with my life. I don’t believe there is any other statement in the world that brings more freedom and peace.
