Can I really handle more?

 

I know I have been very vague in my last couple of blogs
about our ministry and time in Vietnam. Part of it was because we needed to be
careful with the details we gave out online, and part of it was because I was
desperately trying to find a way to bring baby Jaron home with me. I know that sounds crazy, but it is worth the
ridicule if it means that there is one less baby stuck in an orphanage. Plus, God started opening up doors… so I
walked through all the open doors, and pursued the possibilities, for as long
as God would let me. 

The first open door was my parents actually thinking about
adopting. My mind started running wild
with excitement at the thought of having Jaron as my baby brother. So I started doing everything possible to
start the process. I met with the women
who ran the orphanage, went to the Vietnamese Justice department, got in
contact with everyone who could help us, researched agencies, and more. Every time I hit a brick wall in the process,
God answered my prayers and opened the doors right back up. I went from being told that U.S. citizens
could not adopt from Vietnam to later finding out that special needs were
allowed to be adopted (Jaron is considered special needs because of his cleft
lip). I also went from having no form of transportation to finding a translator
who really wanted to help me and prayed diligently for this baby and my
family. 

God placed all the people and information necessary to
making this adoption possible in my path. Everything was set up and ready to go. We found our loop hole in the
laws, we found an agency that would fight for this special case, and I found a
friend who would be willing to look after the baby until the adoption was
complete. But then, just as quickly as
the door opened, God closed it! 

God, what are you doing? I only did everything I thought you were asking me to do. You answered prayers, performed small
miracles, and opened all the doors necessary for adoption. Worst of all, you made me fall in love with
this child! Why are you breaking my
heart and telling me no? I have no
doubts that you set this all up, that you put me in the right place at the
right time in order to get things moving. I dreamed big like you asked me to and I pursued that dream… even though
I feared being called a fool. So, why
are you closing the door?

And for a couple of days there was no answer. The only thing I could do was spend my last
day giving baby Jaron back to the Lord. My friends and I went to the orphanage, anointed him with oil and prayed
over this tiny child. We prayed for an
anointing on his life and for a Christian family to adopt him. We prayed that God would one day call him to
himself and raise him up to be a leader. And when we were done, I had to place him back in his metal crib and
walk away. I don’t think I have ever
been that attached or torn. 

Then God answered my
complaints. My mom told me that there
was a family back home that had been praying for a baby, and had already started
the process necessary for adoption. It
was the perfect fit for baby Jaron and for this family. I was happy for this amazing news, but still
heartbroken and upset with God. God, what do you mean you are giving this baby
to someone else? You used me in this
process; you made me fall in love with this baby, pursue the possibility of
adoptions, you made me watch you open every door necessary… for what? For you
to answer someone else’s prayers…for you to give this baby to someone
else? 

I know. God answered my prayer… again. He provided this
child with a Christian family who would love him and take care of him. He even provided a family who lives close to
me, but I’m still struggling with letting go. I’m also struggling with the thought of being in Cambodia and
working at yet another orphanage for the next four weeks. I don’t know if I can do it all over
again.