Joyfully Angry

 
I have been told many times that The World Race will be a “life changing year”. Of course I believed that statement, but never knew exactly what “the change” would be or how it was possible for me to change so much.
 
There has been a big change in the last month that has shifted the way I’ll finish this Race. At the end of our 2nd month in Kenya, I was asked to step down as a Squad Leader. This news wasn’t a shock and I knew immediately that it’s exactly what I needed because I’ve poured too much of myself into the squad and now it’s time to rest and enjoy MY RACE.
 

 
One of my former teammates, Ryan, spoke into me constantly about controlling my emotions. I’m such a high feeler and full of emotion, so he encouraged me numerous times to not let my emotions control me, but to learn to control my emotions. He also encouraged me to stand firm in my faith and on Jesus Christ’s truth in moments of high emotion, so that I am able to control my emotions.

It’s a fact that I have been learning to control my emotions and not let them ruin my day, but only recently did I discover what it’s like to stand firm in the truth of Christ and not giving into my feelings & emotions.
 
The loss of the leadership position included losing more than just a title. I lost my intimate team with Brittany and Priscilla, and I lost having them speak life into me and challenge me daily. I lost the responsibilities of leading the squad, I lost knowing how everyone is doing and I lost being able to chase more hearts than just one team of people. The reason for stepping down from leader to racer was because I needed to lose some of these things and I needed to focus on my own heart journey without the squad responsibilities.

 
This change has brought about so many emotions and every other day I’m feeling something different. I am still in the process of grieving this loss, and especially the loss of Brittany & Priscilla as my teammates. Most days are great because I’m falling in love with my new team, but some days are really hard & painful.
 

 
There are days when I’m very sad, like today for instance. There are days when I’m very mad, like one day during month 8 Debrief. There are days when I’m feeling numb and there are days when I’m confused about how I’m really feeling.
 
Here’s the cool part…the part where I’ve changed…through all of these crazy emotions I AM FULL OF JOY! I can say that I’m grounded in Christ…on Christ the solid rock I stand…I will not be shaken…I will not be moved…I stand on truth that GOD IS GOOD!
 
I can be angry…I mean really pissed about the situation, and at the same time, I am JOYFUL in a very real way. It’s the strangest feeling to genuinely enjoy my day while I’m so sad or angry or hurt or confused. I don’t allow myself to ignore the emotion, but I also don’t let it ruin my day…it’s called grief and it’s called process, and it’s so healthy and it’s so good!

 
I’m not sure that I can explain much more of how this change has happened. I can share with you that the deeper my relationship with Christ goes, the easier it is for me to believe in His promises. Everyday I can wake up and choose my attitude…and when I serve a beautiful, gracious, and merciful God who loves me unconditionally beyond anything that my mind can imagine, it makes the decision for a positive attitude that much easier.
 
I’m not sharing this to say that “la, la, la…my life is so wonderful and nothing bad happens…” I’m sharing this for the exact opposite reason…sometimes LIFE SUCKS! But I’m learning how to live in God’s promises and live with hope, as opposed to living with a bad attitude and choosing to sulk when life isn’t so great.

I will miss what I’ve lost, but what I have gained is amazing! I’m able to rest more and I have less responsibilities. My new team of six women is exactly what I need and I’m remembering now how much I love living in community. God is working on my heart in beautiful & challenging ways. He is blessing me in such incredible ways, that sometimes I can’t help but just smile and thank Him for being so wonderful.

I am still a woman of high emotion and I feel more than I can handle at times. I’m learning that these qualities are gifts from God and I’m learning how to use them for the Kingdom.